how is it that, i'm never REALLY happy
no matter how good things are
how is it that, all my strengths
really seem to work as weakness
how is it that, i am two sides of the spectrum depending
laid back most of the time, but passionate about the important things
how is it that, the important things to me
have to be those that can let me down so easily
like people
how is it that, i can recognize all of this
introspection
but not figure out a single damn way to change

life is crazy people
crazy people are alive
it just all depends on your perception inside
on what goes on outside
the whole world is around you
do you try to understand it
or have you made your head soundproof
who's the real crazy people who's really free?
cuz the 9-5 seems a lot like a cage to me
literally a human kennel
where you end up isn't coincidental
it's all up to the person
free to be happy or stuck in a prison
but when it comes to perceptions, they change
it all depends on how the furniture's arranged
so before taking the path that's been placed in front of you
stop, take a moment, think, what do YOU wanna do?

brother ali

You say I made you fall in love with me
Wish I could make you fall in love with you
You believed in the magic that us could be
And what that you and I means one could do
Every instinct you had said run from me
That this newfound touch is uncomfortable
And to truly stand naked in front of me
Or yourself for that then matter is something new
I take no pride knowing that
You avoid the mirror to shun what you despise
Never knew the beauty you came here with
Till the first time you caught your reflection in my eyes
Never you mind what I see in you
Grow because you're beautiful, not because I need you to
Grow till you outstretch every single piece of you
Heaven will see you through but you got to believe it's true
Go write your story
Even if in the end you might outgrow me
I'll always treasure the chapter that was mine
And twist through time with a smile knowing you're free

[Chorus]
Puppy love is real to a puppy
I still want to feel you touch me
I'm not saying leave me, please just be free
I love you so much, I don't want you to need me
Puppy love's real to a puppy
I still want to feel you up under me
Not saying leave me, please just be free
I love you so much, I don't want you to need me

science of the psychotic

There I was

Curled up beside her on the couch

She was the person who shut out everything else

For some good old fashion security

But at the same time

The ideas she introduced in her stories, shook me

To my very core

Made me question every little thing I thought was true before

Tonight though,

Bring it on

I’m ready

…

“Listen up,” She said

as I lay beside her wrapped up in the warm comfort zone of her arms,

“I’ve got a tale to tell tonight”

…

The instant these words drifted through the air

To me

I was no longer here

In my mind I was there

Standing

In front of a huge building

Bars at the windows

Of padded cells

Straight jackets hang like prom dresses in the closets

Obviously an asylum

…

My natural instincts tell me to be afraid

The clinically insane have often infiltrated my brain

.. scared the living shit outta me

…

but from somewhere, everywhere, and yet only in my head

that familiar comforting voice, spoke some unknown narration

and this is what she said

…

this is not the place your mind makes you to believe

you fear them because they don’t think like you do

but is that such a bad thing?

…

I approach the entrance, still cautious

I walk down an empty hallway

To double doors

with the only windows with lights on the other side

I enter

Only to find a semi circle of the hospitals patients

No straight jackets

Just them, sitting in their chairs, like

thrones

…

The voice states this:

Each person here believes they are the only sane person on the planet

And so, they are labeled INsane

But the fact is, they may have grasped a truth that few ‘normal’ people ever have

…

And here’s the good part,

The part where the music either starts or stops

Depending on which would be more suspenseful

…

These people understand,

That each of them is an individual

They don’t let the world around them tell them who to be

They KNOW

We all have ourselves to find and discover

What fits

For us

…

I sat down on the floor

Just listening

…

This counsel of ‘fools’ may have been the greatest meeting of minds ever in history

…

Then,

It stopped.

…

I knew it was time to leave

As I did so the narrators voice returns

…

“you see, it’s your job to find out what’s true for you, what YOU believe, once you do that, nothing can shake you, nobody can question or affect you.”

…

I slowly awoke, still in her loving embrace,

She asleep also

…

My thoughts went over what had just happened

And I thought..

For myself

Perhaps for the first time ever

I'll never have to buy adjacent plots of earth
We'll never have to rot together underneath dirt
I'll never have to lose my baby in the crowd
I should be laughing right now

Yes,
it’s true,
the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,
but my family tree
was in an orchard on a hill
that rolled me to the river
and that river
ripped me through the rapids
and those rapids
rushed me into this moment
right here right now
with you

why is the arrow through the heart symbol supposed to be cute?

i know the whole cupid shoots cute little arrows at people and they fall in love.

what a great guy.

not true.

the metaphor is wrong.

if you take it literally, though, you’re closer to the truth.

two people, suddenly in love.

with as little control over it as they’d have stopping an arrow speeding towards their heart.

and love, it hurts.

as much as said arrow to your heart.

as for me, if i could talk to cupid.

i’d say this:

keep your arrows.

i don’t need em.

i don’t want the pain.

just stay away.

what happened this past year? that put me hear

in this spot where, i don’t know how to even care

for some reason i can’t choose, but i got nothin left to lose

gotta make up my mind, find something to find

to make this change, make my head rearrange

what am i doing??

with my future.. with my life

i can’t even muster up any worry

how did i lose every shred of urgency i may have once had

like, MAYBE i took being laid back to too much of an extreme

MAYBE by just letting you be you

i had to suppress myself too much

i wanted to be ok with everything

wanted to be that guy that was completely understanding

so MAYBE i let things go that i shouldn’t

MAYBE to do that i had to turn myself into this

uncaring, unmotivated guy

just doing whatever you wanted

but now.. it’s just me

and i don’t know what i want..

i don’t really care..

maybe

you're right though, it's not fair to you..
but nothing's fair, it's not fair to me that the first person i really loved,
really saw a future with, can't accept what i believe,
can't change who they are, at least a little..
i change myself for you.

so now it's over..
now i can start doing right
right?
it's not those things i'm gonna miss
i'm not gonna miss the guilt
i'm gonna miss you
i didn't tell a single lie last night
i always put you first
in every thought process and decision i made
but somehow you couldn't see or believe that
idk, you said you wanted a real relationship
someone you could grow with
and that if it couldn't be me
than you needed time before we can be just friends
well it's obvious your better off than me
of course it's always been that way
you're better off because you have the ability to want a relationship
someone to grow with
for me
if it's not you
i don't wanna think about anybody
any relationships
i hope i can live a normal life after this
but i'm not looking for anything
i'm not looking for anyone

Now, if you’re so foxy, and old Chief’s so dumb, then why does that hound get the fox on the run? ‘Cause he’s got the hunter, and the hunter’s got the

Climbing trees and paper planes
Life as a kid, were all the same
Tears of joy, and sullen hearts
Sticks and stones and broken arms

No matter how big

or how small, compared to the world

the trials you went through growing up

make up the way you see your world

they make up you

it’s part of FINDING YOURSELF

now i’ve realized a change

instead of getting down on myself

instead of feeling stupid for seeing where i went wrong

use these experiences to better myself, do better next time

it is NOT stupid to make a mistake

mistakes are human

what is stupid is to realize the mistake

and do it again

learn from it

grow

these obstacles are for your good

for you progression

what is progression? overcoming difficulties

those that have the most difficulties can become worst people

or the best

to avoid the worst, whether that means death

elimination

or just a terribly miserable life

we must learn

education

mistakes are nothing more than a lack of education

the past is the past

and i’m not going to let it get me down

but i will learn from my experiences

gather education from what i’ve done

it’s the worst feeling of filthiness i’ve experienced

to look at myself, look at what i’m doing

feel bad about it

but keep doing it anyway

it’s the lowest i think i’ve ever been

don’t let it happen to you

or at least don’t let it keep happening

that’s where i’m at

i love you and want the best for you always

ultimate example that life isn't fair

i can’t get rid of this feeling in my gut

it’s a constant knot

i can’t get the words you said out of my head

“how can two people that love eachother like we do, care about eachother as much as we do, two people that can see themselves happy together for the rest of their lives, how can this not be enough”

it’s not fair

i can’t stand it

and i’ve never felt so lost

we had so many plans

amazing plans

i could look to the future with hope, happiness

it was such a great future

and now that it’s all been taken away

i just feel helpless

lost

i’ve always been told life isn’t fair

but if anything

ANYTHING

deserves to work out

if there’s anything more worthy of just going right

it’s two people in love

it’s so hard to find that anyway

too often love is one-sided

or unbalanced

when you find a good person

a person that’s right for you

a person that returns the same love and care you give

it’s only fair that when FINALLY it’s found, it should just work out

just out of principle

i can’t stand it

it’s not fair, i don’t care if i sound like a child

it’s not fair

i just don’t get it

maybe i just don’t know what love means..


maybe i overestimate it..

cuz by my definition

love is like the strongest thing there is

and i don’t understand how someone can say that word and then come to such a definite negative conclusion about the person they say it to..

if you really love someone

nothing

NOTHING

is definite

even if at first something seems strong enough

to separate you

you’d never admit it

you’d never say that it’s strong enough to keep you apart

you’d keep trying

i don’t understand how you can give it one try

and give up

i don’t understand how you can still say you love me

but still smother all hope for the future

that’s not how it should be

i’m having second thoughts

trying to do right

and you tell me i think too much

you say i think so hard sometimes it hurts

well you’re right

but that’s not how you should be

i have a real concern

a legitimate misgiving

don’t brush it off

this is important

i think this should stop

now

i don’t know how i’ll ever be able to say no

in the moment

it’ll take an army behind me

to muster up that kind of courage

“i’ve made so many mistakes in my life,
they have their own weight classes
there’s times i’ve worn ‘being an asshole’ like a championship belt
but i’ve never made failed love into a public spectacle
so this is a thank you
to every woman who taught me to walk on tightropes made of tears
for every woman who cut their hands and hollowed out my capacity to love
til it was deep enough to never stop falling for the woman who became my wife
for the women who made life a knife
hungry for wrists and dear john letters
for showing better what it really means
one day, i hope she learns how to say GOODBYE from arsonists
I HOPE ALL HER MISTAKES GROW UP TO BE THE MAN SHE NEEDS
so when it’s time for her victory lap, all she’ll need to do when she sees her ex
is say thank you”
j. bradley

enough

enough unfairness

enough of your happiness being all that matters

how many times have i just shrugged it off

when your happiness means i just have to deal

sometimes your words make my inner demons rise up with such strength

and yet i’ve grown adept at staying quiet

waging this inner war with almost no outward manifestations

they’re not necessarily big things

but they bring this rush of depression

that matters

but i don’t put that one you

every little thing that i do

even if it the same type of thing you’ve done to me

is a big deal

if it bothers you

upsets you

it’s gotta be taken care of

i don’t have the will to argue with you

you’re stubborn

you’ll always win these fights

but i’m getting less able to deal

i feel like in most relationships there’s give and take

but i’ve done more than my share

and i hope so bad that you haven’t ruined my patients

for when i meet new people

the edge of the universe is a razorblade

uncomfortable in every way

can’t stand still

don’t feel right moving

any motion accompanied by shaking

you can’t understand how off i feel

i can’t understand how unbalanced i feel

nothing feels right

can’t look people in the eye

can’t look at anything

i’m on the edge

on the brink

ready to break

ready to implode

can’t even describe it

mentally

physically

emotionally

barely keeping it in control

barely keeping my balance

it’s all about to crack

i don’t know what losing my mind would be like

but i feel like it’s close

and i’m scared

i’m losing it…

“Balanced barefoot on a needle, heaven’s just a jump away”

awfully human

i’ve written before with sadness

thinking about how this seemingly unbearable feeling

is completely and tragically unoriginal

spoke of how this fact makes it all seem so insignificant

so unimportant

but hang on;

there’s another angle to be seen

no matter who you are

where you’ve been

what you are doing

and how other people see you

you are just as human as everyone else

just as awfully human

everybody you see

no matter how put together they seem

on the inside

they have insecurities too

they’ve fallen before

fallen

this has been the trend since the beginning

every human ever

they’ve had these very same feelings of inadequacy

felt forgotten at some point

we can’t let these times get us down

whether down means feeling alone and misunderstood

nobody could possibly relate

or down and feeling worse because it’s happened to everyone

but still seems catastrophic to you

because if there’s someone who pretends it’s not true

never felt anything like this, so they can stand tall

well then that is the one who is the least human of all

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
CS Lewis

faith+1

it’s not that i don’t have faith either

i feel like i know truth

but faith to me is acting on something you know to be true

living your life based on that truth

and i’m having a hard time doing that

like my faith isn’t strong enough to affect my actions

and that’s why i feel bad..

idk..

faith

at my job we sell a piece of wall decor on which there reads this inscription:

“faith rocks!”

f*** that.

faith doesn’t rock

faith is a necessity

my faith has come and gone and it’s the worst roller coaster ever

the reason of life hangs in the balance

your purpose or lack thereof all hinges on faith

i’m trying to keep my faith up but it’s hard sometimes

and to see this sign boasting how awesome faith is

doesn’t feel right

to turn faith into this object that can be acquired in a one-time endeavor

and then to boast about like ‘hey, look what i got, this is faith, it rocks’

that’s just not how it works

faith is a struggle

i’m fighting everyday to decide what i believe in

there has to be truth

somewhere

something to have real faith in

i’m sick of my wavering faith

it sucks

“he recognized that he was feeling something he’d never experienced before, the desire to live in one place forever, with the girl with the raven hair, his days would never be the same again. ‘it doesn’t matter’ he said the the sheep, ‘i know other girls in other places’, but in his heart he knew that it did matter, and he knew that shepherds, like seamen and like traveling salesmen, always found a town where there was someone who could make them forget the joys of carefree wandering.”
the alchemist by paulo coehlo

scarecrow crucifix

scarecrows are fake jesus'
a twisted circus mirror reflection of Him
they hang high on their cross
a crudely put together figure
a stuffed symbol
a Frankenstein savior
everything that Christ is not
while He came to earth to gather his sheep
people came in flocks to be taught his great word
the scarecrow's sole purpose is to bring fear to flocks of birds
He suffered and died for us so we can stand tall
the cross wasn't for him, it was for us all
the scarecrow's cross which is much less profound
IS for him
what good is a pile of rags and straw in a heap on the ground?
for that's all he'd be, without the cross holding him up
useless, beyond help
never able to reach any potential
but what are we but a bunch of scarecrows ourselves
relying on each of our own personal crosses
none of us could be lifted up without His sacrifice
in our sin we'd be like the unassembled rags and straw
the cross provides us with something solid to cling to
gives us hope
our mistakes won't be the end of us
scarecrows are not trying to belittle the atonement
and they are not blasphemous, comparing themselves to Jesus
they're just like us, but they decide to carry the cross with them
as a reminder of how important it really is..

unspoken

i don't know if it's like this for everyone
but this is what it's like for me
body language
the things you don't say
mean the world
you have no idea
the effect you have on me
by simply reaching for my hand
resting your head on my shoulder
putting an arm around me
though you don't actually say anything
it's better than a thousand sweet whispered sentences
mmmmm
that sound i make
it's just me listening
to the things you say
unspoken
i love it
i love you

the unbelievable understanding of THE MORNING OF

It feels like a lover
I wont see in the morning
So I keep my eyes open through the night
I TAKE THESE THINGS FOR MORE THAN WHAT THEY'RE WORTH
I TAKE EACH KISS FOR MORE THAN WHAT IT'S MEANT TO BE
Call me a hopeless romantic, call me just being pathetic
I am what I feel and tonight I'm not that much

The new is in, the new is in, I'm feeling better already
I've shed my skin, I've shed my skin, my head is starting to steady

I'm sorry I wont be reachable for days
I'm cutting myself off
Please leave me be, in my misery
I'm making amends with my conscience
So come next year I won't be reachable for days
Because I'm taking time to let the story write it's page
I'm not convinced that there will be no other way

The new is in, the new is in, I'm feeling better already
I've shed my skin, I've shed my skin, my head is starting to steady

Break apart the boy I used to be
And build the man that I've become
I am a saint in sinner's clothing
Watch me save the world
I am a saint in sinner's skin
Now let the healing begin
Let the healing begin, let the healing begin, let the healing begin

The new is in, the new is in, I'm feeling better already
I've shed my skin, I've shed my skin, my head is starting to steady

I can look myself in the eye now
I can feel some magic happening
I can breath on my own now
I can feel my body sinking in
Sinking in, sinking in, sinking in

The new is in, the new is in, I'm feeling better already
I've shed my skin, I've shed my skin, my head is starting to steady
The new is in, the new is in, I'm feeling better already
I've shed my skin, I've shed my skin, my head is starting to steady

-the new is in

when you fall into your silence i find out what they mean when they say that its the quiet ones that always wanna scream

trust me
the quiet ones
the seemingly boring ones
they're the people who have the most feeling
i promise you
when they get away from all these people
the emotion that ensues can only be exemplified by an eruption
a flood
a storm
a sheer outpouring of feeling
in one form or another
i swear
it's these people that belt their favorite songs in the car by themselves
it's these people that let it all out, periodically, in the form of tears poured into pillows
screams barely silenced by the soft bedspread
this HAS to happen
if not, they would literally die
or just blow up
explode
shatter
trust me
i know
i've tried

inches and falling

i love love, i love being in love, i don't care what it does to me..

take these tattered boxes that used to hold your clothes,
break them down, build them back up with your bones
all you do is construct a mess
you're good to me when only flesh
you're a memory, with nothing to show

when we would take trips we swore we'd never take pictures
pictures only prove you can't convince.
now i wish those photographs could convince you that what we had
would only turn out a negative

well well well

if finger tips are, relationships then, i could barely carry the weight
if fingers are mistakes i use this one to point the blame
just sing

i love love, i love being in love, i don't care what it does to me
These pills are fine to pass the time
'til I find my new drug
Then
We'll take our chances
we'll last a month
we'll never speak again

How I love being in love

And don't pick up the line
You're dressed to have a good time
you don't need him, you need to be seen
so someone else can treat you wrong
so you my love can sing this song

I love love
I love being in love
I don't care what it does to me
These pills are fine to pass the time
'til I find my new drug
Then
They'll take advantage
I'll claim that's what I want

To be the new statistic

How I love
How I love
How I love being in love