note to self 2

alright
you're getting better
today
you recognized that you almost set yourself up to fall again
you see
every time she shows you a little bit more love
the normal amount you deserve
you're not used to it
so you take it for more than it's worth
and you fall so hard for her all over again
but it's not really falling
not yet
you get yourself hung up
hung up high
hanging on her every word
every look, every smile
and when this brief state ends
the rope is cut and you fall
FALL
but trevor,
you see it coming this time
keep your cool
don't let it happen again
you can do this

Sanctus Real
"If weakness is a wound, that no one wants to speak of then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune, i only want to be loved but i feel safe behind this firewall. Can i lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, i need to confess i'm not alright. I'm broken inside and all that i go through just leads me to you. Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness until everything i hide behind is gone. And when i'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to only you are there to lead me on. Cause honestly, i’m not that strong."

-I'm Not Alright

un-original

story of my life
chalk me up, another one on the list
guys that like this girl
guys that aren't liked in return
guys that wear their heart on their shirtsleeve
guys that get hurt and take it too hard
guys that take forever getting over it
guys that put up walls
guys that constantly feel like they're trying to hold them up, keep them from falling, while seemingly the whole world is crumbling around them
guys that put so much into a relationship, that every little thing has an immense effect on them
guys that don't realize how good they have it, and ruin it
guys that get hurt so often, but want someone so bad, they settle
guys that think all this isn't even worth the time to write about
because it's so unoriginal

blue october

if i didn't know any better, i'd think that blue october read my stuff.. but this song probly came out first i just now discovered it:

She’s the answer to the prayer I hadn’t found
She’s the answer to the silence…she’s my sound
Oh what a girl
Oh what a beautiful girl …..she is

reversible

"of course i look back at times i cried and laugh, but who knew i'd look back at times i laughed and cry"

i hate alcohol, and all that it's done
if i ever take a shot it'll be from a gun

the lifestyle of a shark

maybe reincarnation is real
maybe my last life i was a shark
because sharks, they keep moving
they long so much to always be traveling
that their circulatory system will stop
if they stop
they literally cannot survive without constant motion
this is how i feel
i don't belong here
i don't belong in one place
my heart will still beat
i'm still gonna breath
my blood will still flow
but staying here as long as i have
i feel like a motionless shark
it's kinda like that
a slow death
i'm so ready to go
i have to
i'm dying

nice guys finish last

if there is a truer statement
i can't think of it
nice guys do finish last
it doesn't make sense ladies
you say one thing
and do another
you talk about the nice guys you supposedly want
but the guys you do date are nothing like that
me, i listen
i try and become that guy you fantasize about
i know i have my problems
but i think i do better than a lot of guys
i keep my jealousy to myself when it happens
i notice things and genuinely compliment you
i do all that i can and be there for you
but apparently the guy that treats you like crap
doesn't care about you like i do
he's who you'd rather hang out with
well then fine
whatever
i've already talked about moving
moving on
idk if a place exists
where things make sense
not like this
but i'll look for it til my dying day

ohh perfect

"Be soft, do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

this christmas

omg
i can't even begin to describe the gratitude i feel towards you all
everyone close to me
i seriously have the best, most thoughtful friends ever
it's not even about the gifts
but each one was just so perfect
they say it's the thought that counts
and that's true
you guys really know how to make me smile
this christmas has just been such an outpouring of feeling
and that's more than i could ever ask for
in case i don't express this to you every day
thank you
i love you
i seriously couldn't make it without you
i think about you every day
and miss you whenever we're apart
thanks for being there
merry christmas

You don't deserve a point of view If the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back
And break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger i'll point you to the mirror

wind

you are the wind
the wind beneath my wings
the wind in my sails
i reside inside a windmill and you are the energy of my existence
you are the cool breeze calming me on the scorching summer days of my aggression
you are the warm breeze bringing gladness to my heart on cold dark nights of depression
you are the hurricane force winds that destroy my insides
you are the tornado that picks me up and just spins me into utter confusion
but only because i choose to let you
you are the storms i chase for exhilaration's sake
you are everywhere to me just like the air
sometimes invisible, but i can always feel you there
i long for nothing more than to be fallen leaf
taken wherever the wind carries it
i want to go everywhere with you

future flash flooder
i feel like the dark arizona clouds outside my window
so full of this feeling
wanting so bad to let it all out
rain this emotion down on you
but instead holding it in
the ground here can't handle this much rain
it's too hard, unable to let this moisture in
floods occur
destruction
rain is a good thing
but i know letting it all out will be bad
how much longer can i stop the rain

definitely realized any type of music can move you.. 'think of me' phantom of the opera.. seriously?? never thought i'd see the day

perhaps what scares me most
is that my fears are correct
and i really don't matter
my city really wouldn't know the difference
if i was 1,887 miles away
because that would mean i need this illusion more than anyone in it needs me
i don't want that
i don't want to be held up by something fake
pushed through each day
by fake smiles and pretend friends
all i want is assurance
that at least once
I will be missed
someone will think about ME
i don't mean this in a self centered way
not at all
because i will be thinking about every single person back home
countless times
all i want is to be remembered
so that all my time thinking
isn't a complete waste.

"Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try"

'maybe i should hate you for this
never really did ever quite get that far'
so here's my compromise
i'll get some glasses fashioned
just for you
no prescription
just a rough sketch of my likeness on the lenses
nothing fancy
could probly be a stick figure and it would make no difference
i don't really have to be there
you're just talking AT me anyway
you'll find my replacement in no time
hope he can do this better than me
doesn't let the fact that his words mean seemingly nothing
get him down
cuz it got to me
killing parts of me slowly
so slowly i hardly noticed
but now i do
so i'm officially through

I was thinking how a man could spend thirty years in prison, and come out and forgive the men who did it to him...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

the death of me- city and colour

Do I have nothing good left to say
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints
People love to drink their troubles away
sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way

'Cause maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

So here's to living life miserable
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

Maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, i know

Finally I could hope for a better day
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again, I'll probably always feel this way

At least i know I'll never sleep at night
I'll always lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

i feel like all we really want/need is like ONE person to totally open up to, with no fear of being left or let down, one person to really LOVE, to need, and to be needed in return, that's just as important if not more, and the longer we go without someone like this, the more sad and depressed we get, the more we long for this mythical person, we want this so bad that we fool ourselves, we let ourselves settle, we ignore things in this other person and fill in the spaces in our mind, we change this current other into what we really want, we convince ourselves that this could be it, and no matter how much wrong or how bad the relationship is, you stick with it anyway because you don't want the time you've spent to have been a waste and it's gotta be better than nothing right? and idk the answer to that.. but i know that this fooling isn't doing me any good, it's like worse than being alone, but i know that being alone SUCKS, all i want is this person, how long am i supposed to wait.. how long CAN i wait?

excerpt from The Lovely Bones

"he watched his solitary little boy in the yard talking to himself, he found anything to make walls for his fort. Just enough light was let into the fort to read by. Mostly he read the avengers, and x-men. He dreamed of being wolverine, who had a skeleton made of the strongest metal in the universe and who could heal from any wound overnight. he wouldn't let himself miss his mother, he tunneled into stories where weak men changed into strong half animals or used eye beams or magic hammers to power through steel, or climb up the sides of skyscrapers. he was the hulk when angry and spidey most of the other times. when he felt his heart hurt, he turned into something stronger than a little boy, and he grew up this way. a heart that flashed from heart to stone.. heart to stone. one day he came home from 2nd grade with a story he had written. 'once upon a time there was a kid named billy, he liked to explore, he saw a hole and went inside, but never came out, the end.' "

big hearts are meant for breaking

mine is getting smaller
or at least i can hope
each girl that held my heart in their hands
returned it smaller than before
if i keep this up
what's left in my chest will be too little to feel
pieces of me will be spread out
each love i've lost or left behind
unknowingly carrying a part of my heart
big hearts are meant for breaking
they only mean more pain

i could go on a jonny appleseed journey
traveling the countryside
stealing back all the confetti pieces of my heart
hire the best tailor in town to tie them back together
stronger than before
keeping ALL this love i have inside
protected
because big hearts are meant for breaking
but they can be useful too
when the time comes that i can say it
she'll know my words 'i love you' are true

i'm always coming down from the night before when i saw you

cheating

this is something i could never do
NEVER
because the second that i look at you
and picture you with someone new
my heart, literally, breaks in two

this is a feeling i'd rather die than put you through
so when i say, i love YOU, you gotta believe, it's totally true

alexander pope

looked up some quotes from this guy, after watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." i'm sure he means all people not just men ;)


"You purchase pain with all that joy can give, and die of nothing but a rage to live."
LOVE this one, totally status'd

"And all who told it added something new, And all who heard it made enlargements too."
just waiting for an opportunity to sound all literary and quote this when someone talks about drama and how people change rumors and what not

oh summer break how i hate you

as a child
of course i always looked forward to summer break
but as i got older
a part of me started to dread this very freedom every kid loves
before the end of elementary school
i'd already lost two girls to this friendship killing monster called summer

first
was in the 2nd grade
my first "love"
the seemingly timeless school year
every recess we'd walk the playground
just talking
and that was a enough
she was the first girl i ever kissed outside the family
it was on the shoulder
a sneak attack from behind
on a dare
how simple it was to be boyfriend and girlfriend
but, summer unavoidable reared its ugly head
and being in second grade
not having cars, cell phones, or any other way to keep in touch
we went that whole 2 month stretch without seeing eachother
you change a lot over a summer at that age
we were never the same again
i remember hearing n'sync songs and certain lyrics reminding me of her..
damn i wore my heart on my sleeve even in adolescence

the next summer i remember breaking up a friendship
was 5th grade
this girl showed up seemingly out of nowhere
this relationship was not much different
we could only really be together at school
we spend every recess and lunch together though
talking
if i remember right she was the first girl i hugged
goodbye hugs i think
i remember one day she showed me her bra strap
leopard skin
for some reason she was excited about this
i didn't even know what was going on
i got my first mix tape that year
and it literally was a cassette tape
how many people can say they got one of those?
it's all mix cd's now..
but then summer
again.. summer
we may have been able to see eachother though
or at least talk
by 5th grade kids started to discover IM and such
but she moved away
i listened to that mix tap almost every day, remembering her

these were the causes of my early half-despising of summer break
summer tore apart other friendships as well, in junior high
but i can't blame these solely on summer
today, the girl from second grade may not even know i exist
she went to my high school
i hardly ever saw her though
i hope she quits smoking
i've still never seen the girl from 5th grade again
i wonder if i'd recognize her if i did..
also, i have no idea where that mix tape is
oh summer how i hate you

the junior high summer

nothing is more depressing than thinking about what could have been
i wish i could go back a few years, when maternal figures still controlled our lives
i'd go back and find us in the halls at junior high
the intersection where i'd always find you
we'd listen for the warning bells and stand and talk until the last second
then we'd rush off to our separate classes
making it just in time
i'd go back to us
tell you and me a few things like:
fuck the bells, fuck tardiness and truancy, fuck being controlled
this time is so short, enjoy it while you can
GO, have fun now, go to dances and movies, you're taste in music will be insanely similar
you're missing out
summer is coming
and Trevor, you in particular
you know how often girls forget over the summer
how often friendships just fade away...
if i could do this, i hope it would be enough
to erase at least one regret
at least one memory of what could have been
because i know that now, it's always going to be in the back of my mind
but..
you never know how much change one choice can make
what if this means we couldn't be there to save eachother later
what if we wouldn't need saving at all
maybe it would have ended just as badly, but between us
and we couldn't be their for eachother this time
maybe we were too different, wouldn't have even gotten close
it scares me to think of what we missed
but the consequences scare me just as much

what happens to words after they're said?
they're a vocalization of whats going on in the head
obviously the sound hits your ears
your brain interprets what they hear
at least that's how it's supposed to happen
what about me and you?
sometimes i wonder why i even say anything at all?
are your ears not doing their job?
only sometimes things are accepted or rejected
and i just have to hope that when what i say matters
it sinks in?
tonight you asked me a question
i didn't even answer
but it was like you didn't know the difference
it wasn't a rhetorical question either
i understand you're distracted
doing other things more important
but if i'm not worth even recognition
then why the hell am i even here?

FOR THEY GET THE BETTER EVEN OF THEIR BLUNDERS

weirdd

not in the mood for work today
and not really feeling like being surrounded by people either
i retreat into my head
avoid eye contact
and remain silent like i do sometimes
chin to chest
eyes lowered to the floor
wringing my hands together
clearly
i don't want to be here
or talk to you
so after a few hours of this
speaking only when absolutely necessary
often times too quiet for the customer to hear me
the girl at the register next to me turns
now i hadn't said a word to this girl
or even looked at her
she decides to throw this my way
"you're weird" she pronounces
slowly i raise my head
glance in her direction
after a few seconds i calmly mumble
"didn't your mother teach you about not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say?"
"NO" she backfires
i look away again
and say at the floor
"what about talking to strangers?"
and walk away

i would really prefer not to tell you what's going on in my head right now

insomniac math

never is it harder to fall asleep
then the times you know you have to get up for something
i mean, it's hard to fall asleep all the time
but in particular
on these nights

these nights are the nights you
tell yourself alright i'm going to sleep
no music
no distractions
just darkness
but how do you shut of your mind?
for some reason it's always going
these are the nights i'm like
ok this is a pretty comfy spot
i will not move until i wake up in the morning
but i just end up sitting there with my eyes closed
but sleep won't come

i first go to bed, 11
maybe 12
and think to myself
ok if i have to be up at 7
that's a good night's sleep
but as i move from position to position
i break my rule
open my eyes
and see the clock says 1
oh no
but still 6-7 hours is good
another peak it's 2
5 hours will have to do
2:30 then 3
omg! well 4 hours is still probly longer than a nap
so it'll be better than nothing
finally 4 rolls around
and i'm just like well a nap is better than no sleep
but finally
just before the sun is ready to start it's trek across the sky
i guess i doze off
but waking up from a 2-3 hour night
is SO HARD
i hate it

i like to wear mirrored sunglasses as much as possible, so that when someone looks me in the eye, and thinks about vocalizing their judgement of me, they will have to take a look at themselves first.

2

never in my life
has a decision been more difficult to make
never before
has the cliche about the rock and the hard place
been more relateable
i have my faith on one side
obviously this fits one of the two
it is very steadfast
but the other..
that's the part that really gets to me
how is a man supposed to be looked in the eye
and pleaded with
by a girl
and begged NOT to go?
nothing in this world is more persuasive than that
it's pulling me apart

so really
on second thought..
this isn't really like the cliche goes
i'm not stuck
it's more like being drawn and quartered
i've got ropes on both my arms
and both my legs
and the horse of my beliefs is pulling one way
the horse of my family is pulling this way too
but there is the horse representing some of the people most important in my life
and the horse of everything i'd be leaving behind
those two horses are pulling too
i don't know which horses are stronger
but this isn't a competition anyway
it doesn't matter which one is bigger
no matter what
i lose
either way
they all are pulling
and they're f*ckin horses
no matter which direction i want to go
i get pulled apart
even if my head and heart
go one way
the right way
it still feels like i'm leaving behind
people and things that are as near and dear to me as appendages
some as important and necessary as my legs
others as vital and irreplaceable as my arms
this is NOT a good feeling
it's the most difficult thing ever

it's easy for me to talk about leaving
getting out of this town
travel
cuz i definitely am ready to leave this place behind
at least for a while
but it's another
to not have the cushion of knowing
at any time you can come back and visit
if i was just leaving for the sake of leaving
but being able to stay connected
even daily
knowing that if ever something happened and i felt the desire to return
it'd be easy to leave
because i want
i do
but this is different
two years is a long time
i'm going to miss so many things..

how do you do it

how do you do it girl?
the simple pleasure of your presence is the like the best kind of amnesia
like, literally you we can be talking one minute
and you just leave the room shortly
i will think of something to say to you when you return
but somehow in those few small moments
as you walk back in
close to me again
i forget anything else i had intended to say..
more than my breath, you take my thoughts away
i don't usually have a stutter when i talk
i'm a pretty quick thinker most of the time
but somehow you just standing next to me
makes me stumble over my words
and i can't think strait
i don't know how you do it, but you'll never hear me complain

just because

just because it bleeds
doesn't mean it's alive
just because you're strong
doesn't mean you'll survive
just because you're rich
doesn't mean you can't die
just because you're poor
doesn't mean you can't try
just because i'm young
doesn't mean i can't think
just because i grow old
doesn't mean i grow up
just because i'm a man
doesn't mean i can't cry
just because i feel depressed
doesn't mean i know why
just because i have a heart
doesn't mean i'll show you
just because i suppress emotions
doesn't mean i'm not always feeling
just because you think you know me
doesn't mean you do
just because it doesn't seem like a mask
doesn't mean it's true
just because nothing's wrong
doesn't mean i'm happy
just because i don't complain
doesn't mean i can't
just because i have a hard time showing it
doesn't mean i don't care about you, so much..
just because i leave you
doesn't mean i won't miss you, every day..
just because i'm silent
doesn't mean i don't have something to say
just because you're talking
doesn't mean i care
just because i used to
doesn't mean it's fair
just because you hear me
doesn't mean you listened
just because you kiss me
doesn't mean i'm convinced
just because i don't show it
doesn't mean i'm not pissed
just because i love you
doesn't mean i should
just because i said i'd stay
doesn't mean i could

bored at work

they say if it bleeds it's alive
and the strong will survive
but the fact of the matter is
yo, we're all gonna die

no matter what you do
or how hard you try
one way or another, we've all got our time
there is no such thing as a victimless crime
this is no reason, though, to waste as single tear
all you can do is make the best of your time here
cuz you never know how long it will be
some people die young, some live past 80
so when life confronts you with sadness and sorrow
you just gotta remember, you could go tomorrow
dont dwell on the bad times, enjoy the good when they come
and to put it all simply, go have fun!