2

never in my life
has a decision been more difficult to make
never before
has the cliche about the rock and the hard place
been more relateable
i have my faith on one side
obviously this fits one of the two
it is very steadfast
but the other..
that's the part that really gets to me
how is a man supposed to be looked in the eye
and pleaded with
by a girl
and begged NOT to go?
nothing in this world is more persuasive than that
it's pulling me apart

so really
on second thought..
this isn't really like the cliche goes
i'm not stuck
it's more like being drawn and quartered
i've got ropes on both my arms
and both my legs
and the horse of my beliefs is pulling one way
the horse of my family is pulling this way too
but there is the horse representing some of the people most important in my life
and the horse of everything i'd be leaving behind
those two horses are pulling too
i don't know which horses are stronger
but this isn't a competition anyway
it doesn't matter which one is bigger
no matter what
i lose
either way
they all are pulling
and they're f*ckin horses
no matter which direction i want to go
i get pulled apart
even if my head and heart
go one way
the right way
it still feels like i'm leaving behind
people and things that are as near and dear to me as appendages
some as important and necessary as my legs
others as vital and irreplaceable as my arms
this is NOT a good feeling
it's the most difficult thing ever

it's easy for me to talk about leaving
getting out of this town
travel
cuz i definitely am ready to leave this place behind
at least for a while
but it's another
to not have the cushion of knowing
at any time you can come back and visit
if i was just leaving for the sake of leaving
but being able to stay connected
even daily
knowing that if ever something happened and i felt the desire to return
it'd be easy to leave
because i want
i do
but this is different
two years is a long time
i'm going to miss so many things..