hmmmmm

something is weighing on my mind very heavily as of late..
the reason that i'm dwelling on this thing so much is because i've reached a point in my life
an impasse
and i have already made the decision part
that's not what's been on my mind
but the potential regret that i may have
through my life i've been taught certain things
you can only be taught so much
i had to find out for myself
confirm it for myself
i have found things to be true
they are now more than just teachings or even beliefs
i know them to be true
so i cannot deny it
i know people search their whole lives for this feeling
but along with this feeling
and this knowledge
i cannot in good conscience choose to do certain things anymore
i know people who have had,
i almost want to say the oppurtunity
to try things
sex, drugs, alcohol
then they find what i have found
and found it to be true for them too
so now they abstain from those activities
i never DID any of those things
i cannot look at my future posterity in the eye and say
trust me
i know
these things are not worth it
people will say to me
but you can look them in the eye and say
trust me, i know
you don't need any of those things
i got to where i am without doing any of those things
so can you
but a part of me wants to at least have had the experience
tried it just once
then repented
but it's too late now
if i did them now i'd be going back on all the things that have stayed true for me
for years..
these are my thoughts tonight..
i guess it can be summed up in a question

am i better off how i've lived my life, free from the sex drugs and alcohol, or, would i be better off if i had tried them when i was younger, when everyone was experiencing these things for the first time, and come back to what i know to be true with these experiences under my belt? i guess it's too late either way..