this

This
is for every person dragging travel size baggage,
anyone who ever slipped up for one second and let what somebody else said about you define you more than anything you ever said about yourself,
this is for the people who know they’re beautiful but still find themselves slumped over the bathroom mirrors, seeing themselves and thinking eww..

look, it’s the imperfections that make you YOU
don’t let what anyone else says get you down, it’s because of their own problems that they hate

‘well then let them hate you but let it be because you are a good person in a bad world and bad always hates good.’

what should students learn?

what's really important?
is it the math?
the reading?
the english?
the english language at last count has over 900,000 words
that can be combined into a near infinite number of sentences and statements
but when something is really important we still somehow don't seem to be able to get our point across..
i submit a new class idea
LIFE.. 101

"Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how deal with despair or someone breaking your heart"

school, the way it is now, teaches that there is always a simple predetermined path
from problem to solution
question to answer
rules
but what about the things that don't follow rules
the changing things
like what do you say to someone you love
who doesn't love you back
what are you supposed to do when your heart breaks

what about the times before these unhappy endings
the first kiss
when you're not sure how lips fit together

what about the times
'When I sit near you, my hands suddenly become alien things and I don't know where to put them or what they usually do, like this is the first time I've ever had hands and maybe they go in my pockets and maybe they don't.'

what then?

why are these things the ones we must learn through experience
and so far to me 'experience' means 'pain'
why must we go through this the hard way
instead of being taught

i know that it isn't some formula or procedure you follow
love
is much more complicated than that

but maybe somehow
life 101
could teach us how to not end up in the same sad place every time we fall out of love
**********************************************************************************
afterthought 11.04.09

on kind of this same topic, i'm rather pissed at the whole school thing.. i know too many people that blow off art and poetry because of they way they had it force fed to them in school, they didn't get the chance to appreciate it and see the beauty in it because they were too busy having to meet deadlines and write too specifically.. i have found a love for art and poetry again on my own, but am reluctant to pursue them in a school setting for fear of having the beauty of it stripped away..

dear hunting

don't get me wrong
i know this isn't always the case
people can be responsible when it comes to hunting
but do you think the deer knows this?
in the split second where they see their attacker
is their some sign that says
oh, this guy isn't going to waste any part of me
and so they die comfortable?
i don't think so
i would imagine as a deer
you're just walking through the forest
eating
and doing other deer stuff
then you smell or hear something
something designed to make you think there's a female around
you go to investigate
you can tell you're getting close
your deer senses are telling you it's just around this tree
all excited to meet some hot chick deer
you emerge
only to be shot in the face
that blows
THAT BUH-LOWWWS!

just blend in

if you can seriously walk into a room of your peers,
have everyone turn and look at you,
which is just a natural reaction when someone enters a room,
if you truly can face that, and remain confident,
you are either the bravest person i know or just plain stupid.
maybe you've just lived under a rock or something,
have never been judged,
seen it in the other person's eyes as they look at you and realize you are beneath them,
never watched as they mount their high horse, so they can look DOWN on you.
if you honestly have never had this happen, here's some advice;
sit down before you are put down.
build up your walls of protection.
start fashioning a myriad of masks for the countless encounters where you'll have to fake yourself or interest to stay secured.
i tell you this, not to be mean, but to help you.
perhaps if i had done these things BEFORE, it wouldn't have been so bad.
vulnerability is only for the strong.
the heroically strong.
that is not you.
you are weak.
to put your trust in someone, is to make yourself vulnerable.
heartbreak is born from the womb of trust and dies in the grave of eternity
i have heard it said that when you get your heart broken, what you gotta do is just love twice as hard the next time.
that is a lie.
there is no disappointment that comes if you never try.
blend in at best.
confidence is for the shallow-minded and ignorant
if you can seriously walk into a room of your peers.....

by jared singer

the last love letter from an entomologist

dear samantha
i'm sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it's not you
it sure as hell isn't me
it's just human beings don't love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that... is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i'm gonna leave you now
i'm gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

http://podcast.com/episode/45814820/8011/?cp=1124

from rollercoaster to flatlining

not the flatlining like you find in death
but still a kind of death has occurred
what did i do to solve this emotional roller coaster problem?
make a decision?
choose?
do the smart, mature thing?
the right thing?
oh no, not me
no way
i can see the damage i'm unintentionally causing
in hopes to make this coaster more bearable
i've gotten myself to FEEL less
like i've said before
putting up a wall
not letting in too much
or giving too much
this seems to make this roller coaster less intense
i don't allow myself to get so high
i'm talking about hopes
and i don't allow to fall so low
i'm smoothing out this roller coaster
but eventually
the highs and the lows will equal out
causing a flat line
no emotion
no feeling
flatlined

emo coaster

down


up
down

downnn

up

down

i can't DO this much longer
i don't want to ride this emotional roller coaster anymore
obviously at first i was down
DOWNNN
but that can only be expected
progression
i started climbing again
i was getting over this
then i saw you again
down
but not as far this time
again it got better
UP
enough that i could smile the next time i saw you
but the words 'i miss you' passed through those lips
and you sent me down
DOWN
such a steep drop this time
i let myself believe i wouldn't have to miss you
i could skip the pain
we can just be friends
you said no
but, we tried anyway
momentarily back up again
but we both know we're holding back
every time we say good night
there's that awkward second where a kiss should fill the silence
but it doesn't
and that hurrrts
that's the down part
it's gotten to where it's just
up
down
up down up down
updownupdownupdown
THAT
is the definition of emotional rollercoaster.

you

you
there are many people who this applies to
but not me
when i use you
i mean you

i find myself caring much more for your well being than mine
i really don't care how i feel cuz i look at you, and all i wish is that i could send you all the love in the world
cuz you deserve it
i'd rather be down the hole as deep as it goes, than to see you sad
don't ever let anything get you down
don't come down to my level
don't let anyone get to you as much as i have let people get to me
always know that there is at least one person
namely, me
who thinks the world of you
no matter what
you are incredible
never forget..

p.s.
you know you no longer love someone if you regret letting yourself become vulnerable around them. two people who care about eachother should be able to open up, put themselves out there without fear of hurt from the other. so thank you, i guess, i'll be more careful from now on, and try not to let it happen again.

the hole

there is a terrible place i know
all too well
i've come to call it "the hole"
when some sort of personal tragedy occurs
or you are let down
you may find yourself here
it's not a happy place (the anti-disneyland)
the place you go when you're so sad
you can hardly function
it's a place where you just curl up
allowing the floods of depression and sadness to wash over you
simply basking in it all
for me, it's a place that doesn't allow for tears
after all, simply water coming from your eyes doesn't seem to do this feeling justice
i'm not going to talk about causes
there are many, whether they are really sufficient to justify
this hole
of self-centered,
self-pity
sadness and depression
it's a place i got so used to
it didn't take much to fall right back in
at first it was when i really was used by someone
then times when i got my hopes up and was crushed
even just a song or a lyric
soon it only took a weird look from someone i cared about
my mind twisted it into something that brought me down
little things that really didn't matter would send me back to this hole
after not too long i was used to this place
almost comfortable
in my discomfort
no desire to leave
i don't know what changed
but i learned to stop letting my hopes get too high
stop FEELING so much
i just don't allow myself to be hurt anymore
by not getting too attached to anyone or anything
any emotion felt i learned to suppress 'em
i am numb
drifting through the everday
not letting anything get to me too bad
this is the only way i know to stay away from that dark place
it always seems all too close though
will i find myself back there?
i don't know

brutally beautiful

if i were an artist
if i could draw or paint down on paper
exactly what i see
or the ideas in my head
i'd make masterpiece
brutally beautiful

the backround
would be the color of the cloudless sky
endless blue
have you ever been rocked back by the beauty of sky?
it's so much more than just a color
blue, when something is painted or colored
it just sits there, it's not the same
when you look up at a cloudless sky
it almost hurts your eyes
the blue, just goes on forever
endless
that's the backround for my masterpiece

next, the beautiful cliche's
because no matter how many waterfalls, mountains, and oceans i see in art
every time it is just as beautiful

then the harder stuff
but not physical
if i could i'd paint a baby's laughter
a toddlers first steps
cuz that
is beautiful

i'd paint the feeling of free fall you can only get on roller coasters
or right before you feel an immense amount of pain
the canvas would somehow reveal the feeling of your first kiss
the love shared there
though young and innocent
love
the love of a newly wed couple
stronger
yet still young and scared
love
of an elderly couple
been together so long
the love must be strong
beautiful

finally
i'd somehow incorperate the beauty of healing
scars
though they tell of a time of hurt
show that you've healed
hopefully grown from it
the sadness of saying good bye
but at the same time knowing it's not forever
the rainbow after the hurricane
beautiful

there is so much out the to appreciate and recognize for it's awesomeness
that this painting of mine would have to be on a canvas so big it'd cover the whole earth
stretch past the moon while also encompassing it's beauty
and painted with more colors than exists
if a picture's worth a thousands words i'd paint til i ran out of letters

concept writing

so..not much has changed with me but i feel like these writings are showing a pattern.. and showing just plain too much. so i'm going to try and break the cycle, at least in my writings.. concept writing, haha cuz it aint true that's for sure.

Modern Heroics

they do exist!
look!
that little girl just held the door open for that lady,
she's not even a girl scout.
modern heroics.
check it out!
that boy opened the car door for his date
i bet he'll pull her chair out for her at dinner
chivalry reborn
modern heroics
how cool!
that guy just refused to take a beer at that party..
it's a personal choice
he didn't compromise his standards
modern heroics
woah!
that girl just chose to help her little sister with her homework instead of just sitting in front of the t.v.
eating
coach potato
modern heroics
way to go!
that teenage girl decided she was going to stick with what she knows to be true
she's keeping her v card
if he pressures her she knows to let him go
this guy can express his feelings for her without using his dick
or at least try
cuz the right words are hard to come by
sometimes
but he can tell her as best he can
and just hold her hand
modern heroics
another man is choosing not to believe all the hype about drugs
how much cooler you are for doing it
how good it feels
no negative side effects
modern heroics
she is..
well she is someone who doesn't let anything get to her
she knows how completely amazing she is
"the crowd" can do what it wants
no regrets here
modern heroics

STOP

i'm going through writing withdrawals.. everything inside is getting all crazy and i my schedule is not giving me time to write.. the past is not staying the past, what i thought was dead and gone is back as strong as ever. i know this makes no sense to anyone but i found a short time to write and this is all i got.


alright..
i miss writing, almost as much as i miss you
seeing you is the best and worst thing i get to do
my conflicting inner contradictions cause a collision of chaos inside
now obviously i was trying to use alliteration there,
but still
it's true.
the only thing worse than getting to see you again
is not getting to see you
every word spoken, every sidelong glance, is either a lie or just us hiding the truth from eachother
and i wish i could say it would work out
but i don't know
what i do know is i wish it could
maybe someday
even as i write this i'm beating myself up inside
STOP
even i have noticed how often and easily i get my hopes up
STOP
it only leads to falling
and i've fallen further than the height of my highest hopes
which may be impossible,
but that's what it feels like
so STOP
i wish i could stop my mouth from smiling
as it always does
just watching you
be you
it gives away too much
STOP
that's all i got.

oh.. love would definitely be easier if it were disposable

arizona rain

thinking logically
arizona's rain
is most likely the warmest rain
ever
BUT
whether because it is so rare
or because the outside temperature is still hot
each drop still sends a shock through your body like
you forgot what coldness feels like
or forgot what moisture falling from the sky is like
there's nothing more beautiful than
raindrops hitting pools of water
each splash is like a laugh
puddles let the rain in like the most welcome of strangers
like
the all to familiar memory of childhood puddle-hopping
each water droplet was once together
a family in the clouds
and after this crazy journey of precipitation
they see eachother again
old friends
their chance to come down to earth
so rare in the hot air that exists year round
or so it seems

arizona rain
is unique from any other rain
often heralded in by light shows and thundering drums
treated like royalty here
because
of course, it is a desert
rain brings life
brings cleansing
not just physical kind but
if you can let it
cleansing of the soul
the mind
any injuries to your heart
miraculously can be made less
by the rare treasure in this desert state
rain..

melting

sometimes you make me just fall apart,
but it's more than that, i can't feel my heart,
trying to hold myself together ,
but it's like trying to trap the weather,
which happened to be rain,
who knew a day that brought my favorite climate would end with so much pain.
i feel myself slip through my hands
melting away just like our plans
i didn't think i'd ever come back from this
you graced me with a final kiss
i think i died the second it ended
or at least a huge part of me was left suspended
i found, like water, i had no substance
could not remain together on my own
unless i froze myself, numb, without feelings, alone
it worked for a while
til i saw you again, your smile,
shattered my iced over insides, into a snow pile
then melting
again melting
this cycle is nothing but hurt
just in different forms, watch me sink into the dirt
had enough of this feeling
having trouble dealing
conflicted emotions i want to be near you but can't handle seeing
every move you make reminds me of the past
you seem so happy, like you got over it so fast
but that can't be true
i thought i knew
your feelings for me were my feelings for you

idk how i will deal, with all that i've felt
but know that your voice, your laugh, your smile
will always make me melt

i do not feel in the form of words

words.
what an inadequate way to try and describe something as boundless and as undefinable as a feeling..
though perhaps it is just i that am not capaple of using said words in such a way that i can re-read it and go
yeah, that IS how i'm feeling
i know there are other people that use words much better than i do
and when they try and put feelings into words, they do it much better
and sometimes i almost perfectly relate to it
but it's still not quite right
anybody else know where i'm coming from here?
maybe it is this seemingly impossible task that keeps people writing.. striving..
to find the perfect words behind a feeling.. so far i haven't seen it yet..
they get close, dang they get close.. but idk..
well, this is what has been on my mind so this is what i will write about..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i do not feel in the form of words
i do not feel in the form of verbs, adjectives or nouns
i feel in the form of.. the sight of my night-lit town,
from atop a nearby hill
where everything you see just doesn't seem real

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. long nights, often sleepless
restless slumbers, often dreamless
the cause is a mind that is stuck on one thing,
yet is spinning with too many thoughts to distinguish

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. mornings. just before the sun peers over the distant mountains
the sparkling water drops that fall from fountains
instead of words my feelings are the sounds of birds
who never seem to have a bad enough day that they can't summon their sweet songs

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. cotton candy and bubble gum
and knowing someone who'll give you some
the form of.. the circus and carnivals
of dc heroes and modern day marvels

i feel in the form of.. young love
a first crush, the thought of that person, and how it made you blush
the first time that your heart broke in two
and tryin to understand why she had done this to you

Of quiet twilights, and the still night air
like there's this whole wide world but you're the only person there
and you don't even care
cuz at that moment, you don't long for much
just the stars, the moon, and the grass' soft touch
it's your moment, you own it
and it's just for you
someday you may try and share it with someone but it won't quite be true

Of overcast days, which to me are the best days
cuz some times clouds mean there soon will be rain
and if you let it.. a storm can wash away any pain

and as i write, i realize
these words impersonating feelings
might just be lies
but maybe that's going to far
they are what they are
people manipulate them trying to use them to represent feelings
but that's like trying to see the sky through one too many ceilings

my purpose is not to stop people from trying
just like gravity don't keep people from flying
but at least for now, my belief is this
no words will describe the emotion behind a soft kiss

i do not feel in the form of words

the bottle- a man's best friend?

ok so through some rough patches in life i have found certain types of music and certain types of songs appealing.. countless songs about heartbreak and heartache..
i have noticed a pattern in these songs as well.
and it spans genres.. every musician seems to find drinking as a way to deal with all this.. and yet it's all just misery, and they wallow in it.. and drink.. i honestly believe that this just makes it worse.
and really, you are going to become an alcoholic because of one person? c'mon.. so it didn't work out, there are other ways to deal with it.. and there are millions of other people out there who have the potential of being just as special.. i am in no way belittling the fact that hearts do break, and yes, it does suck, it's the worst thing in the world i have ever experienced.. anyway i'm gonna end my thought with a quote..

"If you think being dysfuncted and damaged, strapped to your baggage, dirty, ruined and hurt like critical, cynical, scathing, if you're lost or have come up missing, scarred and scared (or pretending you aren't), when you think that's all you've got, it's not. The sadness you wear around like a trophy is intriguing at most, but it's miserable, and about as original as a frat boy with a visor cap. So step up."
-buddy wakefield

she is.

she is.
she is an angel.
an angel who is a gift to this world simply by being here.
an angel amongst men.
men. who objectify her at every turn.
men who, though they call her beautiful, they don't understand the extent to which that is true.
some say these men are typical, rarely caring what's beneath only focusing on the physical.
they see her but they don't see her..
for what SHE IS..
they care not to bypass the obvious, take the time to know her, and discover the sweet spirit that resides inside.
The beauty within, SHE IS special.
she has been underappreciated for too long..
she no longer buys into the old hype, they told her SHE IS one in a million, unique..
but they said the same thing to every child growing up.
because of this she is even fooled into thinking a guy like me.. who, often awkward, speaks up when he should shut up, yet bottles in what needs to be said, me, who is as cliche as the heart he wears on his shirtsleeve and gets his hopes up too easily, and so too often he falls.. could actually be worthy of her.
inadequacy only begins to describe the feeling that comes with the thought that maybe.. possibly.. SHE.. could love me.
if i only could be so lucky i'd treat her like what SHE IS.. more than a princess.. more than a queen..
i'd paint words on the ceiling above her bed, a daily reminder so that every morning when she lifts her head, she remembers.. that SHE IS priceless, extraordinary, and every synonym that goes along with it.
so that she never forgets, whether somehow they really don't see her worth or they treat her like she is anything other than amazing, she never forgets that SHE IS.

pointless

tell me do you know the feeling,
you were supporting the roof now you're left holding a square of ceiling?
staring at the wreckage all around trying to decipher its meaning..
or at least its cause
you found out too late there's a button that says 'pause'
trying to hold yourself together, try and keep composure
or at least find enough good in this life to create closure.
you could do it alone before why can't you now?
that was dang good performance girl you should take a bow.
you deserve a standing ovation
this foundation was false from its very formation.
easy for you to stay on the positive side,
i'm dealing with a loss and the fact that you lied.
you cant deny that i tried,
it tore me apart every time that you cried,
cuz i gave you as much as i could possibly provide,
but in the end, insufficient, by you, i was denied.
hardly a memory to show, cuz mine ain't photographic,
first time i've seen an overpass as a place to dive into traffic.
but suicidal? that's something that i'm not,
that's thanks to the amazing friends that i've got
products of my existence,
don't know what could have occured without your assistence,
thinkin about running, not caring about the distance.
but now, i'm seeing light up above,
i must almost be out of this hole that i(you?) dug.
i must almost be out of this hole that WE dug.
yet still i just shrug,
it doesn't even matter,
dead or alive, only slightly do i want the latter.
i think it's cuz when your insides shatter,
you'll be far from ok less than a month after.
i guess i thought i had something to say,
or maybe writing this is just to help me through today..

first thing's first

anything i put here
is put here for selfish reasons
this is for me
i'm trying to make sense of it all
hoping to find a way to use 'just words'
to work it all out
control the chaos
comprehend the confusing
organize everything going on in my head
and heart
if by chance you somehow relate to any of this
it is purely coincidence
if it helps you in any way
good
if not, don't hate
i am ready for you're rejection
your judgement means nothing to me
i am blind and deaf to you

i'm a mess to be made
these are just words