note to self 2

alright
you're getting better
today
you recognized that you almost set yourself up to fall again
you see
every time she shows you a little bit more love
the normal amount you deserve
you're not used to it
so you take it for more than it's worth
and you fall so hard for her all over again
but it's not really falling
not yet
you get yourself hung up
hung up high
hanging on her every word
every look, every smile
and when this brief state ends
the rope is cut and you fall
FALL
but trevor,
you see it coming this time
keep your cool
don't let it happen again
you can do this

Sanctus Real
"If weakness is a wound, that no one wants to speak of then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune, i only want to be loved but i feel safe behind this firewall. Can i lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, i need to confess i'm not alright. I'm broken inside and all that i go through just leads me to you. Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness until everything i hide behind is gone. And when i'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to only you are there to lead me on. Cause honestly, i’m not that strong."

-I'm Not Alright

un-original

story of my life
chalk me up, another one on the list
guys that like this girl
guys that aren't liked in return
guys that wear their heart on their shirtsleeve
guys that get hurt and take it too hard
guys that take forever getting over it
guys that put up walls
guys that constantly feel like they're trying to hold them up, keep them from falling, while seemingly the whole world is crumbling around them
guys that put so much into a relationship, that every little thing has an immense effect on them
guys that don't realize how good they have it, and ruin it
guys that get hurt so often, but want someone so bad, they settle
guys that think all this isn't even worth the time to write about
because it's so unoriginal

blue october

if i didn't know any better, i'd think that blue october read my stuff.. but this song probly came out first i just now discovered it:

She’s the answer to the prayer I hadn’t found
She’s the answer to the silence…she’s my sound
Oh what a girl
Oh what a beautiful girl …..she is

reversible

"of course i look back at times i cried and laugh, but who knew i'd look back at times i laughed and cry"

i hate alcohol, and all that it's done
if i ever take a shot it'll be from a gun

the lifestyle of a shark

maybe reincarnation is real
maybe my last life i was a shark
because sharks, they keep moving
they long so much to always be traveling
that their circulatory system will stop
if they stop
they literally cannot survive without constant motion
this is how i feel
i don't belong here
i don't belong in one place
my heart will still beat
i'm still gonna breath
my blood will still flow
but staying here as long as i have
i feel like a motionless shark
it's kinda like that
a slow death
i'm so ready to go
i have to
i'm dying

nice guys finish last

if there is a truer statement
i can't think of it
nice guys do finish last
it doesn't make sense ladies
you say one thing
and do another
you talk about the nice guys you supposedly want
but the guys you do date are nothing like that
me, i listen
i try and become that guy you fantasize about
i know i have my problems
but i think i do better than a lot of guys
i keep my jealousy to myself when it happens
i notice things and genuinely compliment you
i do all that i can and be there for you
but apparently the guy that treats you like crap
doesn't care about you like i do
he's who you'd rather hang out with
well then fine
whatever
i've already talked about moving
moving on
idk if a place exists
where things make sense
not like this
but i'll look for it til my dying day

ohh perfect

"Be soft, do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

this christmas

omg
i can't even begin to describe the gratitude i feel towards you all
everyone close to me
i seriously have the best, most thoughtful friends ever
it's not even about the gifts
but each one was just so perfect
they say it's the thought that counts
and that's true
you guys really know how to make me smile
this christmas has just been such an outpouring of feeling
and that's more than i could ever ask for
in case i don't express this to you every day
thank you
i love you
i seriously couldn't make it without you
i think about you every day
and miss you whenever we're apart
thanks for being there
merry christmas

You don't deserve a point of view If the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back
And break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger i'll point you to the mirror

wind

you are the wind
the wind beneath my wings
the wind in my sails
i reside inside a windmill and you are the energy of my existence
you are the cool breeze calming me on the scorching summer days of my aggression
you are the warm breeze bringing gladness to my heart on cold dark nights of depression
you are the hurricane force winds that destroy my insides
you are the tornado that picks me up and just spins me into utter confusion
but only because i choose to let you
you are the storms i chase for exhilaration's sake
you are everywhere to me just like the air
sometimes invisible, but i can always feel you there
i long for nothing more than to be fallen leaf
taken wherever the wind carries it
i want to go everywhere with you

future flash flooder
i feel like the dark arizona clouds outside my window
so full of this feeling
wanting so bad to let it all out
rain this emotion down on you
but instead holding it in
the ground here can't handle this much rain
it's too hard, unable to let this moisture in
floods occur
destruction
rain is a good thing
but i know letting it all out will be bad
how much longer can i stop the rain

definitely realized any type of music can move you.. 'think of me' phantom of the opera.. seriously?? never thought i'd see the day

perhaps what scares me most
is that my fears are correct
and i really don't matter
my city really wouldn't know the difference
if i was 1,887 miles away
because that would mean i need this illusion more than anyone in it needs me
i don't want that
i don't want to be held up by something fake
pushed through each day
by fake smiles and pretend friends
all i want is assurance
that at least once
I will be missed
someone will think about ME
i don't mean this in a self centered way
not at all
because i will be thinking about every single person back home
countless times
all i want is to be remembered
so that all my time thinking
isn't a complete waste.

"Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try"

'maybe i should hate you for this
never really did ever quite get that far'
so here's my compromise
i'll get some glasses fashioned
just for you
no prescription
just a rough sketch of my likeness on the lenses
nothing fancy
could probly be a stick figure and it would make no difference
i don't really have to be there
you're just talking AT me anyway
you'll find my replacement in no time
hope he can do this better than me
doesn't let the fact that his words mean seemingly nothing
get him down
cuz it got to me
killing parts of me slowly
so slowly i hardly noticed
but now i do
so i'm officially through

I was thinking how a man could spend thirty years in prison, and come out and forgive the men who did it to him...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

the death of me- city and colour

Do I have nothing good left to say
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints
People love to drink their troubles away
sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way

'Cause maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

So here's to living life miserable
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

Maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, i know

Finally I could hope for a better day
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again, I'll probably always feel this way

At least i know I'll never sleep at night
I'll always lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

i feel like all we really want/need is like ONE person to totally open up to, with no fear of being left or let down, one person to really LOVE, to need, and to be needed in return, that's just as important if not more, and the longer we go without someone like this, the more sad and depressed we get, the more we long for this mythical person, we want this so bad that we fool ourselves, we let ourselves settle, we ignore things in this other person and fill in the spaces in our mind, we change this current other into what we really want, we convince ourselves that this could be it, and no matter how much wrong or how bad the relationship is, you stick with it anyway because you don't want the time you've spent to have been a waste and it's gotta be better than nothing right? and idk the answer to that.. but i know that this fooling isn't doing me any good, it's like worse than being alone, but i know that being alone SUCKS, all i want is this person, how long am i supposed to wait.. how long CAN i wait?

excerpt from The Lovely Bones

"he watched his solitary little boy in the yard talking to himself, he found anything to make walls for his fort. Just enough light was let into the fort to read by. Mostly he read the avengers, and x-men. He dreamed of being wolverine, who had a skeleton made of the strongest metal in the universe and who could heal from any wound overnight. he wouldn't let himself miss his mother, he tunneled into stories where weak men changed into strong half animals or used eye beams or magic hammers to power through steel, or climb up the sides of skyscrapers. he was the hulk when angry and spidey most of the other times. when he felt his heart hurt, he turned into something stronger than a little boy, and he grew up this way. a heart that flashed from heart to stone.. heart to stone. one day he came home from 2nd grade with a story he had written. 'once upon a time there was a kid named billy, he liked to explore, he saw a hole and went inside, but never came out, the end.' "

big hearts are meant for breaking

mine is getting smaller
or at least i can hope
each girl that held my heart in their hands
returned it smaller than before
if i keep this up
what's left in my chest will be too little to feel
pieces of me will be spread out
each love i've lost or left behind
unknowingly carrying a part of my heart
big hearts are meant for breaking
they only mean more pain

i could go on a jonny appleseed journey
traveling the countryside
stealing back all the confetti pieces of my heart
hire the best tailor in town to tie them back together
stronger than before
keeping ALL this love i have inside
protected
because big hearts are meant for breaking
but they can be useful too
when the time comes that i can say it
she'll know my words 'i love you' are true

i'm always coming down from the night before when i saw you

cheating

this is something i could never do
NEVER
because the second that i look at you
and picture you with someone new
my heart, literally, breaks in two

this is a feeling i'd rather die than put you through
so when i say, i love YOU, you gotta believe, it's totally true

alexander pope

looked up some quotes from this guy, after watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." i'm sure he means all people not just men ;)


"You purchase pain with all that joy can give, and die of nothing but a rage to live."
LOVE this one, totally status'd

"And all who told it added something new, And all who heard it made enlargements too."
just waiting for an opportunity to sound all literary and quote this when someone talks about drama and how people change rumors and what not

oh summer break how i hate you

as a child
of course i always looked forward to summer break
but as i got older
a part of me started to dread this very freedom every kid loves
before the end of elementary school
i'd already lost two girls to this friendship killing monster called summer

first
was in the 2nd grade
my first "love"
the seemingly timeless school year
every recess we'd walk the playground
just talking
and that was a enough
she was the first girl i ever kissed outside the family
it was on the shoulder
a sneak attack from behind
on a dare
how simple it was to be boyfriend and girlfriend
but, summer unavoidable reared its ugly head
and being in second grade
not having cars, cell phones, or any other way to keep in touch
we went that whole 2 month stretch without seeing eachother
you change a lot over a summer at that age
we were never the same again
i remember hearing n'sync songs and certain lyrics reminding me of her..
damn i wore my heart on my sleeve even in adolescence

the next summer i remember breaking up a friendship
was 5th grade
this girl showed up seemingly out of nowhere
this relationship was not much different
we could only really be together at school
we spend every recess and lunch together though
talking
if i remember right she was the first girl i hugged
goodbye hugs i think
i remember one day she showed me her bra strap
leopard skin
for some reason she was excited about this
i didn't even know what was going on
i got my first mix tape that year
and it literally was a cassette tape
how many people can say they got one of those?
it's all mix cd's now..
but then summer
again.. summer
we may have been able to see eachother though
or at least talk
by 5th grade kids started to discover IM and such
but she moved away
i listened to that mix tap almost every day, remembering her

these were the causes of my early half-despising of summer break
summer tore apart other friendships as well, in junior high
but i can't blame these solely on summer
today, the girl from second grade may not even know i exist
she went to my high school
i hardly ever saw her though
i hope she quits smoking
i've still never seen the girl from 5th grade again
i wonder if i'd recognize her if i did..
also, i have no idea where that mix tape is
oh summer how i hate you

the junior high summer

nothing is more depressing than thinking about what could have been
i wish i could go back a few years, when maternal figures still controlled our lives
i'd go back and find us in the halls at junior high
the intersection where i'd always find you
we'd listen for the warning bells and stand and talk until the last second
then we'd rush off to our separate classes
making it just in time
i'd go back to us
tell you and me a few things like:
fuck the bells, fuck tardiness and truancy, fuck being controlled
this time is so short, enjoy it while you can
GO, have fun now, go to dances and movies, you're taste in music will be insanely similar
you're missing out
summer is coming
and Trevor, you in particular
you know how often girls forget over the summer
how often friendships just fade away...
if i could do this, i hope it would be enough
to erase at least one regret
at least one memory of what could have been
because i know that now, it's always going to be in the back of my mind
but..
you never know how much change one choice can make
what if this means we couldn't be there to save eachother later
what if we wouldn't need saving at all
maybe it would have ended just as badly, but between us
and we couldn't be their for eachother this time
maybe we were too different, wouldn't have even gotten close
it scares me to think of what we missed
but the consequences scare me just as much

what happens to words after they're said?
they're a vocalization of whats going on in the head
obviously the sound hits your ears
your brain interprets what they hear
at least that's how it's supposed to happen
what about me and you?
sometimes i wonder why i even say anything at all?
are your ears not doing their job?
only sometimes things are accepted or rejected
and i just have to hope that when what i say matters
it sinks in?
tonight you asked me a question
i didn't even answer
but it was like you didn't know the difference
it wasn't a rhetorical question either
i understand you're distracted
doing other things more important
but if i'm not worth even recognition
then why the hell am i even here?

FOR THEY GET THE BETTER EVEN OF THEIR BLUNDERS

weirdd

not in the mood for work today
and not really feeling like being surrounded by people either
i retreat into my head
avoid eye contact
and remain silent like i do sometimes
chin to chest
eyes lowered to the floor
wringing my hands together
clearly
i don't want to be here
or talk to you
so after a few hours of this
speaking only when absolutely necessary
often times too quiet for the customer to hear me
the girl at the register next to me turns
now i hadn't said a word to this girl
or even looked at her
she decides to throw this my way
"you're weird" she pronounces
slowly i raise my head
glance in her direction
after a few seconds i calmly mumble
"didn't your mother teach you about not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say?"
"NO" she backfires
i look away again
and say at the floor
"what about talking to strangers?"
and walk away

i would really prefer not to tell you what's going on in my head right now

insomniac math

never is it harder to fall asleep
then the times you know you have to get up for something
i mean, it's hard to fall asleep all the time
but in particular
on these nights

these nights are the nights you
tell yourself alright i'm going to sleep
no music
no distractions
just darkness
but how do you shut of your mind?
for some reason it's always going
these are the nights i'm like
ok this is a pretty comfy spot
i will not move until i wake up in the morning
but i just end up sitting there with my eyes closed
but sleep won't come

i first go to bed, 11
maybe 12
and think to myself
ok if i have to be up at 7
that's a good night's sleep
but as i move from position to position
i break my rule
open my eyes
and see the clock says 1
oh no
but still 6-7 hours is good
another peak it's 2
5 hours will have to do
2:30 then 3
omg! well 4 hours is still probly longer than a nap
so it'll be better than nothing
finally 4 rolls around
and i'm just like well a nap is better than no sleep
but finally
just before the sun is ready to start it's trek across the sky
i guess i doze off
but waking up from a 2-3 hour night
is SO HARD
i hate it

i like to wear mirrored sunglasses as much as possible, so that when someone looks me in the eye, and thinks about vocalizing their judgement of me, they will have to take a look at themselves first.

2

never in my life
has a decision been more difficult to make
never before
has the cliche about the rock and the hard place
been more relateable
i have my faith on one side
obviously this fits one of the two
it is very steadfast
but the other..
that's the part that really gets to me
how is a man supposed to be looked in the eye
and pleaded with
by a girl
and begged NOT to go?
nothing in this world is more persuasive than that
it's pulling me apart

so really
on second thought..
this isn't really like the cliche goes
i'm not stuck
it's more like being drawn and quartered
i've got ropes on both my arms
and both my legs
and the horse of my beliefs is pulling one way
the horse of my family is pulling this way too
but there is the horse representing some of the people most important in my life
and the horse of everything i'd be leaving behind
those two horses are pulling too
i don't know which horses are stronger
but this isn't a competition anyway
it doesn't matter which one is bigger
no matter what
i lose
either way
they all are pulling
and they're f*ckin horses
no matter which direction i want to go
i get pulled apart
even if my head and heart
go one way
the right way
it still feels like i'm leaving behind
people and things that are as near and dear to me as appendages
some as important and necessary as my legs
others as vital and irreplaceable as my arms
this is NOT a good feeling
it's the most difficult thing ever

it's easy for me to talk about leaving
getting out of this town
travel
cuz i definitely am ready to leave this place behind
at least for a while
but it's another
to not have the cushion of knowing
at any time you can come back and visit
if i was just leaving for the sake of leaving
but being able to stay connected
even daily
knowing that if ever something happened and i felt the desire to return
it'd be easy to leave
because i want
i do
but this is different
two years is a long time
i'm going to miss so many things..

how do you do it

how do you do it girl?
the simple pleasure of your presence is the like the best kind of amnesia
like, literally you we can be talking one minute
and you just leave the room shortly
i will think of something to say to you when you return
but somehow in those few small moments
as you walk back in
close to me again
i forget anything else i had intended to say..
more than my breath, you take my thoughts away
i don't usually have a stutter when i talk
i'm a pretty quick thinker most of the time
but somehow you just standing next to me
makes me stumble over my words
and i can't think strait
i don't know how you do it, but you'll never hear me complain

just because

just because it bleeds
doesn't mean it's alive
just because you're strong
doesn't mean you'll survive
just because you're rich
doesn't mean you can't die
just because you're poor
doesn't mean you can't try
just because i'm young
doesn't mean i can't think
just because i grow old
doesn't mean i grow up
just because i'm a man
doesn't mean i can't cry
just because i feel depressed
doesn't mean i know why
just because i have a heart
doesn't mean i'll show you
just because i suppress emotions
doesn't mean i'm not always feeling
just because you think you know me
doesn't mean you do
just because it doesn't seem like a mask
doesn't mean it's true
just because nothing's wrong
doesn't mean i'm happy
just because i don't complain
doesn't mean i can't
just because i have a hard time showing it
doesn't mean i don't care about you, so much..
just because i leave you
doesn't mean i won't miss you, every day..
just because i'm silent
doesn't mean i don't have something to say
just because you're talking
doesn't mean i care
just because i used to
doesn't mean it's fair
just because you hear me
doesn't mean you listened
just because you kiss me
doesn't mean i'm convinced
just because i don't show it
doesn't mean i'm not pissed
just because i love you
doesn't mean i should
just because i said i'd stay
doesn't mean i could

bored at work

they say if it bleeds it's alive
and the strong will survive
but the fact of the matter is
yo, we're all gonna die

no matter what you do
or how hard you try
one way or another, we've all got our time
there is no such thing as a victimless crime
this is no reason, though, to waste as single tear
all you can do is make the best of your time here
cuz you never know how long it will be
some people die young, some live past 80
so when life confronts you with sadness and sorrow
you just gotta remember, you could go tomorrow
dont dwell on the bad times, enjoy the good when they come
and to put it all simply, go have fun!

"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again"

i'm over the cycle
i'm done waiting
you broke up with me remember
i know, i know
it wasn't cuz you WANTED to
it's cuz you thought you had to
it was hard for me
really hard
but i started getting over it
you seemed over it right away
but as soon as i started getting over it
you apparently went backwards
not over it
so when your invitation came again
i was skeptical to say the least
but i fell for you again
right back where i started
every day you were there for me
but i was trying to stay cautious
you noticed saying, why don't YOU ever text me?
i didn't answer
except maybe an apology
i'm always saying sorry to you
so, i started trying to hang out
suddenly, you got 'busy' again
now, i'm not sure
it's POSSIBLE that we've just had incredibly unlucky timing
but even if that's the case
i'm running out of time
and patience
if this cycle continues,
even if it's not your fault
i am done
for real this time,
i don't want to go around again
this cycle
one way or another
needs to come to an end.

welcome mat shirt

just shoot me
please
right now
my t-shirt might as well have the word welcome on it
begging the bullet pass through
my vital organs
will usher the bullet by
like shepherds do their sheep
i'll reject the blood from my wounds like
an anorexic rejects food from their stomach
i'm ready
go ahead

needed

what is more important?
to have someone you can rely on
a person who's existence makes your life better
someone to NEED

or to be needed
i would submit that being needed is much more important
there is no darker low than to feel like nobody needs you
like you don't do anything special
that the world would be no worse without you
people you know could keep going
life would just continue

i don't NEED anyone
but i do need to be needed
by someone..
anyone..

daytime moon

'I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you

Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
These next few lines because they're directed at you'

i like you better one on one
when it's more than that
i start to feel like the moon in the time of sun
an out-of-place ghost
hardly noticed
and if it is spotted
it's intriguing at most
so when i go distant
try and hide myself
it's only cuz i don't really feel seen anyway
all i wanna do is shine
i can't do that in this bright daytime room of personalities
i'm sorry
i'll wait for night

AVA

i'll be your distraction, if you will be mine, and together we can pretend everything is fine

i wonder..

i dream of a world
where the roads move on their own
so i don't need a mode of transportation to travel
i can just chill
watch the world go past
never have to worry about runnin out of gas
but on second thought,
will this life be a life of regret?
always thinking about the places i passed by
to remain on this road
will the whole feeling of restlessness be reversed?
instead of being tired of remaining in the same place my whole life
will i be sick of never staying put?
will i be restless to remain somewhere
rather than have this road transport me everywhere?
and the real irony would be
i just want a place i can remain unmoving
but on this road, i'm not moving
but travel occurs anyway
i dream of this world today
but how long before this never-stopping road becomes my cage?

groceries

just listen
listen to my voice
let it draw you in
i don't tell stories
i tell feelings
let them bring you closer to me
imitate groceries
i'll be the cashier
lay flat on your back
let this little road do the traveling for you
as you slide over the scanner
check the screen for your worth to me
***nothing***

regret

"I remember somebody once asked me if I ever thought about regret... the answers no. Because when this masquerade is finally over I want to be remembered for who I am. Not who I was or who I wanted to be, cuz this right here, this is me."

i wish
this was how people approached their life
if you thought about how you'd be remembered
every time you were faced with a conflict
should i do this
or should i stick with what i believe
i wish people wouldn't let peer pressure get to them
the only person who should influence your decisions
is you
if you've strayed
return to yourself
please
i wish people would look at who they were,
who they want to be
and use that to shape themselves right now
this is the only way i can think
to live a life
with no regrets

brianna rhymes with insomnia

i remember when this started
this outright refusal to find sleep at any decent hour
the first summer i stayed up late into the AM
on any regular basis, was,
of course
because of a girl
we'd be up talking on the phone til easily 2, 3, 4.. sometimes
this would result in me sleeping well into the day
not good
to this day, i rarely am able to achieve rest
until these early in the morning AM hours
it is much easier to sleep at inappropriate times
during school
after school
at just the right time as to wake up when everyone else is getting ready for bed
what came of this?
what do i have to show for it?
well this was also the summer of my first kiss,
same girl
but afterwards she decided she was done with me
and i finally got a good night's sleep.


that is until the next girl..

oh, how great the idea of amnesia sounds right now
i'd welcome it
to just have some peace of mind
there is just too much going on right now
i can't make a clear, intelligent conclusion of anything
when i try and talk about things, it turns out baddd
cuz i'm almost sorting it out as i say it and so it comes out random and ridiculous
writing is much better
talking is too hard
thinking is too hard
sometimes the worst company i can think of is that of my own head
i hate being alone with my thoughts
i try and just go with the flow
but i can't pretend nothing matters
EVERYTHING matters
aoiefalskd naefn

woahh

today i was rocked back by a realization
we are ALL inspiring
i would be willing to bet that every single person
you will ever meet
when you get to know them
has something special and awesome to offer
and i realized, damn,
thats A LOT of people
we live on a planet with 6 billion potential amazements
6 billion potential moments of brilliance, 'wow' moments, and REAL conversation
that's pretty inspiring in and of itself ;)

the side we don't see

maybe i should just follow the norm
no matter how much i disagree with it
maybe i should be like the typical guy
checking out every girl that walks by
maybe that helps her feel good about herself
but it shouldn't be that way
when i hang my head as i pass
it is NOT because i don't want to look you up and down
but it is because i know you are more than the flesh and blood that you're made of
you are more than a some of all your decisions
i will not be like other guys and care for what's outside
i'm more interested in the side we don't see

the future looking glass

the mirror
is an object with at least one polished and therefore specularly reflective surface.
the first mirrors used by people were most likely pools of dark still water.

imagine the first human to see their reflection
how astonished they must have been
i wonder how long it took them to realize it was just them
a reflection of them
mimicking their appearance and every move they make

a pretty awesome discovery right?
i submit the conflicting opinion that these mirrors are lackluster at best
unnecessary

after all, they merely show us what we have limited control over
ok so you can buy your expensive clothes, cover your face up with make up
but this mirror shows only the physical, not what's important

mirrors could be replaced altogether
by just having one GOOD friend
cuz sure, we don't want to look like a mess to other people
but this one good friend, could help you be presentable while at the same time
being far less critical than you probably are while viewing your reflection

they have become merely the fuel for people's vanity
and the cause for too many people's insecurity and worry
a robber of people's confidence
and the cause for some insanity

people spend their money on clothes, make up, and worst of all plastic surgery
to try and implore these mirrors to show them something else, something better
but no matter how hard you try sweetheart, it's not gonna show anything more or less
than you
and i think that's more than enough

kaleidoscopes use mirrors to create beautiful pictures out of anything it's pointed at
i'd prefer all mirrors replaced by kaleidoscopes, cuz
even though they don't really show you that well
you'll always be awesome to look at

i offer a new idea, the future of the looking glass
i hope that the technology will come about
to create mirrors that show a persons inside
the beauty that's there, regardless of what physical form it takes

maybe a two-way mirror could be crafted
not to have someone hide on one side
and have the other reflect
but have the person's true shelf reveled on the shiny side

perhaps, like the old fun houses that had crazy shaped mirrors
reflecting an exaggerated form of your body
the same idea could be used
maybe if scientists' found just the right shape, just the right stretching of the surface
it could show you, the real you

or maybe we could go back further
when they used containers of water
to see their reflections
perhaps some other liquid has some special properties
that can penetrate what is skin deep
show the inner attributes you have to offer

if this advancement ever occurs
different from what any mirror can honestly claim
and slightly different from the message on side view mirrors of vehicles
these mirrors would have the warning written on them
"objects in mirror ARE what they appear"

suicide note??

i feel like this requires an intro, i debated posting this for a few reasons, if it even matters, only like to people read this. but anyway, firstly, i am not gonna kill myself, this is just me writing and thinking, but i also am not belittling the violent act of suicide, i hope the fact that it kinda rhymes and stuff doesn't make it sound like i don't have the proper respect for people that have died at their own hands. a few people fairly closely, have made this decision, and the last thing i'd ever wanna do, is minimize what happened in any way.. well here it is
**********************************************************************
the cold steel of a gun pressed to my skull
is nothing poetic, rather it's quite dull
but to understand the strength of one trigger pull
it's much more than the mere movement of a finger, only an inch or so
much more than the mechanics behind making the bullet go
an act such as this can be done only one way, slow
but the consequences of this, i really don't know
would it really even matter if i decided to stay?
or should i become just another dead cliche?
tryin to come up with the words to say..
this is a choice not easy to explain
i wish i knew if i'd feel any pain
not that this knowledge would make the decision easy
just wanna know if anyone really sees me
to get to this point, it must take a lot
but there's a point where it takes even more strength to stop
the hardest part for me is this very letter
how can naming people here make anything better?
to name someone in a note like this, is just bitter
you know your throwing a part of their life in the shitter
not a day will go by they won't think about this
and i just gotta say that's pretty selfish
but what else is there to do?
my heart only beats because it has to
if nothing else i'm giving my body a rest
if my heart's some kind of teacher, well i'm failing the test
but like i said i won't name a single person
i won't run the risk of making their life worsen
because of me
i've messed up enough, put my heart through the pain of three
i'm honestly amazed it's still beating, and for what cause?
but to press the button of infinite pause?
the illegality of suicide is the most insane of all laws
now i feel like these rhymes are getting quite obnoxious
i'm obviously just stalling, not sure i can accomplish this
so my final word on the subject
goodbye, and i know nobody will object..

mollie's and my TWLOHA poem

This is for you
This is for the kid in the back of the class, quiet
Speaking in hushed tones and only when spoken to
Desperately hoping to not be heard, but at the same time begging to.

This is for your first heartbreak
The most devastating
Until the ones that followed that is.
This is for you,
The one on their knees collecting the shattered pieces of their heart
Broken by the world.


This is for those of you that got so sad and lonely
You turned to the company of a razor blade

Let us get to know you.

This is for those of you that just wanted out
Wanted out so badly, you thought about ending it all
And maybe even tried.

This is in memory of those of you who were successful… we’re going to keep trying, for you.

This is for the kid who’s parents split
And though they gained an extra house
They lost something infinitely more important, a home.

This is for anyone struggling with addiction
Whatever it is
Be strong, you can make it out

This is for all the artists
who know their work is just a drop in the ocean
but do it anyway, hopin’

121 million people worldwide suffer from depression.
121 million souls shouting out pleas, only to have them become lost in the magnitude of the sky, joining all the other lonely echoes waiting to be heard. Each cloud, gust of wind, falling star… each of these is a reminder that while your heart may be broken there is still hope. The world keeps moving on whether you want it to or not. There is always a reason for you to be here. We need you. Even if you feel there is no hope at all, you could be someone else’s reason for survival in the lost ways of this world.

We need you as much as you need that bottle.

Or the freeing pain of the burning razor along your wrist.

Wake up, you’re alive
We’re on your side
There are so many amazing people, waiting to meet you and hear your story.
To change their lives.
Lets trade our love.
I’ll give you a little bit of mine, if you give me yours.
Soon this passing of trust with create enough momentum to flip, twist and turn this world around.
And save 121 million souls.
Lets create a new addiction:
Change.
Love.
Compassion.
Laughter.
Pain is inevitable
Suffering is optional
Rescue is possible

If only she had had ONE person to be there for her
To write love on her arms

"I bet you love me now, now that you've had your drinks,
it's been fun but it's always. This girl, loves fear."

you say things are good but that just depends..

i wish i could look through your optimists' lense.

today

today was challenging with a capital confusing, written in sloppy unorganized thought font, underlined with unprovoked anxiety and angst, surrounded by uncaring and sarcastic quotation marks, with a fake smile exclamation point at the end.

your scent lingers the same way the hand-shaped red lights hang in the air between flashes from the DON'T WALK sign at the crosswalk.

just one of those days

the times i get this feeling inside
the only thing i can do is drive
far, without stopping, without thinking
this forward motion is the only thing keeping me from sinking
i see the needle pass 100,
i'm not racing anyone but myself as i speed down this street
just trying to make sure my heart remembers to beat
im not running to or from
anything or anyone
just trying to figure out exactly who or what i have become
i'm restless
like a deathwish
if i give any slack to the dark side
i start to entertain thoughts of suicide
but the fact is i'm just too cowardly
i can't do it alone, so will you die with me?
the fact is i'm still here, it's not something i can fight
and choosing when i die, i don't think i have the right
i wanna get up, get moving, do something more
figure out just what it is i'm still living for
i do have stuff to do, school, work, responsibility
but these things appeal less and less to me
the spaces for friendships and desire for their company
are now filled with angst and anxiety
these are the times i drive, so that i don't fall
but what i end up doing.. nothing at all

don't know the end of this one yet

our meeting
came out of nowhere
like a deer on a highway
i know how that deer feels
i was frozen in place by the sudden bright light of your being
your presence
washed over me
with the strength of a tsunami
i was rushed away by the current your company created
i gotta admit it was kinda scary
at first
but i learned to enjoy the ride
from the first time our lips met
our hearts met also
only they have yet to separate
even when the kisses stopped and we parted ways for a while
we both felt our hearts' still present connection
we returned like birds, flying south for the winter
it just came natural
but maybe i'm just too caught up in metaphors..

Ladies..
If roses weren’t red and violets weren’t blue
Most guys would have no poems to recite for you

???

so we've been broken up for like 4 months now
and i'm just wondering when my brain will stop addressing you as "babe"
when my thoughts drift to you

kidney transplant

there i times i feel as denied as a donated kidney
that is rejected by the recipient's body
like, i'm sorry this kidney is just not quite good enough

sometimes i feel like the donor
who gives as much as he can to someone
literally a piece of themself
but it's no good

occasionally i'm in the doctor's position
i CAN help
and i try
but despite my best efforts
it's not enough

at times i know i'm like the recipient
people try and assist me
give so much to try and make my life better
but i just push it right back
with no appreciation

BUT
my life also can be like the transplant that goes smoothly
cooperation
everything works out right
harmony
happiness
those are the good days
the successful operations

nights of the living pillow

there are some nights where i would swear that my pillow is alive
i can feel its heartbeat in my ears as i lay my head to rest
but i take my hand and put it to my chest
and realize it's just my blood, flowing through my body, ensuring i survive

more questions

do i ever really get over the girls i've loved? or is it just a kind of trasferrence that occurs? i feel like maybe it's the same love, you know, from the very beginning.. i cared for a girl for the first time, whether or not the feeling was returned for a while or not, it reached an end. i was sad. she moved on. i still had feelings for her til some other girl came along, did i get new feelings of affection when she showed up? or did the same ones from before get shifted to her? then the next girl and so on?

hmmmmm

something is weighing on my mind very heavily as of late..
the reason that i'm dwelling on this thing so much is because i've reached a point in my life
an impasse
and i have already made the decision part
that's not what's been on my mind
but the potential regret that i may have
through my life i've been taught certain things
you can only be taught so much
i had to find out for myself
confirm it for myself
i have found things to be true
they are now more than just teachings or even beliefs
i know them to be true
so i cannot deny it
i know people search their whole lives for this feeling
but along with this feeling
and this knowledge
i cannot in good conscience choose to do certain things anymore
i know people who have had,
i almost want to say the oppurtunity
to try things
sex, drugs, alcohol
then they find what i have found
and found it to be true for them too
so now they abstain from those activities
i never DID any of those things
i cannot look at my future posterity in the eye and say
trust me
i know
these things are not worth it
people will say to me
but you can look them in the eye and say
trust me, i know
you don't need any of those things
i got to where i am without doing any of those things
so can you
but a part of me wants to at least have had the experience
tried it just once
then repented
but it's too late now
if i did them now i'd be going back on all the things that have stayed true for me
for years..
these are my thoughts tonight..
i guess it can be summed up in a question

am i better off how i've lived my life, free from the sex drugs and alcohol, or, would i be better off if i had tried them when i was younger, when everyone was experiencing these things for the first time, and come back to what i know to be true with these experiences under my belt? i guess it's too late either way..

please

this is another 'she is' type note, so if you are reading this then it applies to you.. yes YOU! i can promise most of you crossed my mind while i thought about this and wrote it out
***************************************************
please
see me for who i am
know that there i times i say things that i absolutely do NOT mean
i am not someone who should be taken seriously very often
but there are also times
when i fall silent
if you notice this please realize
i'm probably thinking of the right words
if what ends up coming out as just a common compliment
of your clothes or hairstyle
please
know that i am NOT just another stereotypical guy
who is just trying to make you like him
or just trying to get into your pants
those guys DISGUST me
please know that although it comes out less than eloquent
i mean what i say from the bottom of my heart
chances are
i just chickened out and complimented something material
when what i really wanna say is
you're beautiful or,
i care about you SO much
i am just a coward who can't bring himself to tell you these things in person
so he goes home and writes it down instead
please
know how much i appreciate you
you have such an amazing heart
i will NEVER forget you

smile..

hey girl
i've been watching you
and noticed how your smile seems broken
the world is truly less of a place without you
i know you have reason to be down
but whatever it is
i will help
if i could, i'd shrink myself small
so small i could pass through your skin
into your nervous system
jump onto an electric impulse
speeding toward your brain
so fast my head flies back
my eyes feel like they'll shoot out of my skull
i'd use all my strength just to hold on
the hardest split second journey ever
but once i arrive
in your mind
i won't even look around
the secrets painted on the inner walls of your head
are yours
i would not invade your privacy
i'm there looking for one thing
and one thing only
the switch
i know it's in here somewhere
the switch that turns on your smile
the secret code
the whispered words
whatever hole must be filled
to make you happy again
the answer
is kinda scary
but i'll do it
i will try
i leave your head
return to normal size
i will hold you in my arms
give you, ALL of my love
pour it all out in front of you like,
a smorgasbord of all my deepest hopes and desires
all my feelings, thoughts and emotions
will be on display,
you are one of a select few who've seen all this
it's something i have learned not to take lightly
i have done this for too many girls and had them walk away from it
or worse
throw it all back at me
but
this i will do
for you
in hopes to see you happy again
i see your broken smile
the world really is less of a place without you..

heaven is still coming

something about me you should know about
break bread in the face of atheists' doubt

you say you don't believe in God
but you talk about him more than the people that do believe in God

if you're right, back to dust
if i'm right, then you're f*cked

it might sound like i'm being judgmental
but i'm tired of hearing these people and their disrespectful
ways, of talkin' sh*t
about somethin that 'don't exist'
what's wrong with having faith in something
if it's positive
it's obvious that the world is based on good and bad

you can tell when somebody sucks, and needs to die
and you can tell when someone is trying to live a good life

it takes incredible strength to believe in something you can't see
especially surrounded by so much catastrophe
it's hard to read
the writings on the wall sometimes
drowning in shallow waters searchin for a pebble to climb
the devil's designed
to try to blind the minds
of you and i
it's hard to find signs
God exists at times
******
-Grayskul

the grinch

you remember the cartoon
'the grinch who stole christmas'
the mean old green man
lives up in the mountain
hates everything about happiness and christmas
his heart is revealed to be shriveled and almost non-existent
one year he decides he's gonna end it
steal christmas
his plan
sneak down into town
in the middle of the night
steal ALL the presents
and everyone will be sooo sad
and christmas will be over
what actually happened?
well yeah
he stole all the presents
but
in the morning
instead of crying
everyone circles up
and sings
christmas songs
keeping the christmas spirit alive
what does this do to the grinch?
it causes his shriveled up heart
to grow
not only to the size of a normal heart
but three sizes bigger
breaking it's frame
all the gifts he had loaded on his sleigh
he rides down the mountain
returning all the gifts to everyone
now he's a hero
everyone loves him
nobody asks why he has the gifts in the first place
but after all this
christmas dinner
roast beast
ALLLLL THAT
then what?
the grinch
with his new triple sized heart
will most likely fall in love with a girl
his oversized heart will fill will joy
of love
then
she will rip out said heart
throw it on the floor
step on it
leaving the grinch devastated
he returns to his mountain home
with only one thought
what good is a triple sized heart
when it only multiplies the pain
of heartbreak

people watching at mcc

i'm sitting upon some artwork
meant to double as seating
and watch
people walking by

girl
i see you there
walking with your eyes down
no make up on
putting off the impression you don't care
i hope it's a lie

i hear the sound of a leaf lunge for freedom
it falls from the tree that grew it
i can't help but relate

another girl walks by with a shirt that says
brand new
thats awesome

if i see another pair of the same old vans shoes
i will go crazy

a girl with a bag
with big bold gold letters
it says "share the love"
first i think of the negative implications that phrase often can have
but i don't think she's a slut

a girl i recognize
from high school
and that Halloween party the other night
comes out of a door as i pass
she sees me
i see a faint smile grace her face
i'm not naive enough to think it was i that caused it
she probably doesn't remember me
i say nothing
she keeps walking

look at this dude
yellow polo
seems to think he's swol
he's got a mean mug on
he probably practices in the mirror
he stares me down the whole time he walks by
i hope he finds happiness
i hope he does some good

two girls walk by
chatting
they look like good friends
i hope they're always there for eachother

three more leaves have fallen while i watch
people walk by
i take some advice from these leaves
i get up
and walk away

(i literally typed this out in a text message on my phone.. it's not that good.. it's hard to write stuff in a text message lol not trying to make excuses though)

The sun does not set
It doesn’t rise either
It just stays there in one place
And yet we get all romantic
Huddling on beaches to watch it’s so-called departure
When it is we
Who turn away from it
Which is a good thing
Cuz if the sun could turn
It would never come back
It would just keep going
Looking for some better planet to nourish

-jeffrey mcdaniel

ladies..

Show me where you keep a man’s breath after taking it away..

cemetery

If you want, then when we die
We'll ascend to some place way up high
The gate will show you through
If they ask me, I'm with you

And I'll face the one who made
My disgusting heart from a lump of clay
When he asks what got me through
When he asks me, it was you

If I'm in that lake of fire
I will call your name as I expire
The last thing that I'll do
Is I'll tell them I'm with you

-say anything

If you ever wanna know how it felt when you left
If you ever wanna come inside
Just knock on the spot
Where I finally pressed stop
Playing musical chairs
With your exit signs

-buddy wakefield

you always came first, i did everything you asked to the best of my abilities, even when what you asked me to do was leave..

keep moving

i had a conversation
with a friend
regarding the event that sometimes occurs
moving
after expressing my desire to get out of this town
she objects
why??
because
i'm sick of it here
the same place
my whole life
there must be a place better suited for me
to this she replies
i've moved A LOT
i grew up moving all over
it's not that great

yeah ok
i can understand that
growing up
you wanna have friends
best friends
whatever
now
i feel i've grown up
those "best friends"
we all had as a child
99 percent of you probly don't even talk to them anymore
i know i don't
they moved away
moved on
you naturally parted ways
and it would be one thing if now i had some real 'best friends'
that i could count on
i need something to count on

don't get me wrong
i've had friends like that
but they've never lasted
even now i have one or two
but i'm matured past putting my trust
in the fact that they'll always be there
it doesn't happen
i can't keep doing this

this makes moving
make sense
since these 'best friends'
really don't last all that long
i might as well not let myself get attached
i can move to a knew city
find a new "BFF"
and when it inevitably ends
i'll move on
without having been let down
cuz secretly all along i knew it would happen

and until i find someone to prove me wrong
someone to ALWAYS be there for me
someone to fully trust
and not let me down
i will KEEP moving

if or when that person shows up
i will marry her
and i'll have found a place to rest then
the end.

the life of a recluse

before now
i could not comprehend the lifestyle choice of a hermit
people, are what make life worth living
right?
no way
i don't need anyone
people are stupid
i sit alone in crowded rooms
watching people act out their version of whatever they think people expect of them
just a bunch of pleasers
when they really aren't pleasing anyone
the worst part is they aren't pleasing the person who matters most
THEMSELVES
be yourselves, you idiots
if people don't like who that is
FORGET THEM
you don't need them anyway

at least real actors admit they're acting
you're lying to everyone when you try and pull this character off as the real you
plays are one thing
but you want your life to be a play?
fake?
i know sometimes life has drama but this is ridiculous..

"I know the parts of your past that haunt you the most,
are the days you weren't being yourself,
and i know that's why most of your past haunts you."

i'd much rather be alone with my thoughts than be around these fakes
tonight may have been halloween but i bet tomorrow night you'll still be wearing a mask
even if it doesn't hide your face
it hides more

this

This
is for every person dragging travel size baggage,
anyone who ever slipped up for one second and let what somebody else said about you define you more than anything you ever said about yourself,
this is for the people who know they’re beautiful but still find themselves slumped over the bathroom mirrors, seeing themselves and thinking eww..

look, it’s the imperfections that make you YOU
don’t let what anyone else says get you down, it’s because of their own problems that they hate

‘well then let them hate you but let it be because you are a good person in a bad world and bad always hates good.’

what should students learn?

what's really important?
is it the math?
the reading?
the english?
the english language at last count has over 900,000 words
that can be combined into a near infinite number of sentences and statements
but when something is really important we still somehow don't seem to be able to get our point across..
i submit a new class idea
LIFE.. 101

"Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how deal with despair or someone breaking your heart"

school, the way it is now, teaches that there is always a simple predetermined path
from problem to solution
question to answer
rules
but what about the things that don't follow rules
the changing things
like what do you say to someone you love
who doesn't love you back
what are you supposed to do when your heart breaks

what about the times before these unhappy endings
the first kiss
when you're not sure how lips fit together

what about the times
'When I sit near you, my hands suddenly become alien things and I don't know where to put them or what they usually do, like this is the first time I've ever had hands and maybe they go in my pockets and maybe they don't.'

what then?

why are these things the ones we must learn through experience
and so far to me 'experience' means 'pain'
why must we go through this the hard way
instead of being taught

i know that it isn't some formula or procedure you follow
love
is much more complicated than that

but maybe somehow
life 101
could teach us how to not end up in the same sad place every time we fall out of love
**********************************************************************************
afterthought 11.04.09

on kind of this same topic, i'm rather pissed at the whole school thing.. i know too many people that blow off art and poetry because of they way they had it force fed to them in school, they didn't get the chance to appreciate it and see the beauty in it because they were too busy having to meet deadlines and write too specifically.. i have found a love for art and poetry again on my own, but am reluctant to pursue them in a school setting for fear of having the beauty of it stripped away..

dear hunting

don't get me wrong
i know this isn't always the case
people can be responsible when it comes to hunting
but do you think the deer knows this?
in the split second where they see their attacker
is their some sign that says
oh, this guy isn't going to waste any part of me
and so they die comfortable?
i don't think so
i would imagine as a deer
you're just walking through the forest
eating
and doing other deer stuff
then you smell or hear something
something designed to make you think there's a female around
you go to investigate
you can tell you're getting close
your deer senses are telling you it's just around this tree
all excited to meet some hot chick deer
you emerge
only to be shot in the face
that blows
THAT BUH-LOWWWS!

just blend in

if you can seriously walk into a room of your peers,
have everyone turn and look at you,
which is just a natural reaction when someone enters a room,
if you truly can face that, and remain confident,
you are either the bravest person i know or just plain stupid.
maybe you've just lived under a rock or something,
have never been judged,
seen it in the other person's eyes as they look at you and realize you are beneath them,
never watched as they mount their high horse, so they can look DOWN on you.
if you honestly have never had this happen, here's some advice;
sit down before you are put down.
build up your walls of protection.
start fashioning a myriad of masks for the countless encounters where you'll have to fake yourself or interest to stay secured.
i tell you this, not to be mean, but to help you.
perhaps if i had done these things BEFORE, it wouldn't have been so bad.
vulnerability is only for the strong.
the heroically strong.
that is not you.
you are weak.
to put your trust in someone, is to make yourself vulnerable.
heartbreak is born from the womb of trust and dies in the grave of eternity
i have heard it said that when you get your heart broken, what you gotta do is just love twice as hard the next time.
that is a lie.
there is no disappointment that comes if you never try.
blend in at best.
confidence is for the shallow-minded and ignorant
if you can seriously walk into a room of your peers.....

by jared singer

the last love letter from an entomologist

dear samantha
i'm sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it's not you
it sure as hell isn't me
it's just human beings don't love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that... is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i'm gonna leave you now
i'm gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

http://podcast.com/episode/45814820/8011/?cp=1124

from rollercoaster to flatlining

not the flatlining like you find in death
but still a kind of death has occurred
what did i do to solve this emotional roller coaster problem?
make a decision?
choose?
do the smart, mature thing?
the right thing?
oh no, not me
no way
i can see the damage i'm unintentionally causing
in hopes to make this coaster more bearable
i've gotten myself to FEEL less
like i've said before
putting up a wall
not letting in too much
or giving too much
this seems to make this roller coaster less intense
i don't allow myself to get so high
i'm talking about hopes
and i don't allow to fall so low
i'm smoothing out this roller coaster
but eventually
the highs and the lows will equal out
causing a flat line
no emotion
no feeling
flatlined

emo coaster

down


up
down

downnn

up

down

i can't DO this much longer
i don't want to ride this emotional roller coaster anymore
obviously at first i was down
DOWNNN
but that can only be expected
progression
i started climbing again
i was getting over this
then i saw you again
down
but not as far this time
again it got better
UP
enough that i could smile the next time i saw you
but the words 'i miss you' passed through those lips
and you sent me down
DOWN
such a steep drop this time
i let myself believe i wouldn't have to miss you
i could skip the pain
we can just be friends
you said no
but, we tried anyway
momentarily back up again
but we both know we're holding back
every time we say good night
there's that awkward second where a kiss should fill the silence
but it doesn't
and that hurrrts
that's the down part
it's gotten to where it's just
up
down
up down up down
updownupdownupdown
THAT
is the definition of emotional rollercoaster.

you

you
there are many people who this applies to
but not me
when i use you
i mean you

i find myself caring much more for your well being than mine
i really don't care how i feel cuz i look at you, and all i wish is that i could send you all the love in the world
cuz you deserve it
i'd rather be down the hole as deep as it goes, than to see you sad
don't ever let anything get you down
don't come down to my level
don't let anyone get to you as much as i have let people get to me
always know that there is at least one person
namely, me
who thinks the world of you
no matter what
you are incredible
never forget..

p.s.
you know you no longer love someone if you regret letting yourself become vulnerable around them. two people who care about eachother should be able to open up, put themselves out there without fear of hurt from the other. so thank you, i guess, i'll be more careful from now on, and try not to let it happen again.

the hole

there is a terrible place i know
all too well
i've come to call it "the hole"
when some sort of personal tragedy occurs
or you are let down
you may find yourself here
it's not a happy place (the anti-disneyland)
the place you go when you're so sad
you can hardly function
it's a place where you just curl up
allowing the floods of depression and sadness to wash over you
simply basking in it all
for me, it's a place that doesn't allow for tears
after all, simply water coming from your eyes doesn't seem to do this feeling justice
i'm not going to talk about causes
there are many, whether they are really sufficient to justify
this hole
of self-centered,
self-pity
sadness and depression
it's a place i got so used to
it didn't take much to fall right back in
at first it was when i really was used by someone
then times when i got my hopes up and was crushed
even just a song or a lyric
soon it only took a weird look from someone i cared about
my mind twisted it into something that brought me down
little things that really didn't matter would send me back to this hole
after not too long i was used to this place
almost comfortable
in my discomfort
no desire to leave
i don't know what changed
but i learned to stop letting my hopes get too high
stop FEELING so much
i just don't allow myself to be hurt anymore
by not getting too attached to anyone or anything
any emotion felt i learned to suppress 'em
i am numb
drifting through the everday
not letting anything get to me too bad
this is the only way i know to stay away from that dark place
it always seems all too close though
will i find myself back there?
i don't know

brutally beautiful

if i were an artist
if i could draw or paint down on paper
exactly what i see
or the ideas in my head
i'd make masterpiece
brutally beautiful

the backround
would be the color of the cloudless sky
endless blue
have you ever been rocked back by the beauty of sky?
it's so much more than just a color
blue, when something is painted or colored
it just sits there, it's not the same
when you look up at a cloudless sky
it almost hurts your eyes
the blue, just goes on forever
endless
that's the backround for my masterpiece

next, the beautiful cliche's
because no matter how many waterfalls, mountains, and oceans i see in art
every time it is just as beautiful

then the harder stuff
but not physical
if i could i'd paint a baby's laughter
a toddlers first steps
cuz that
is beautiful

i'd paint the feeling of free fall you can only get on roller coasters
or right before you feel an immense amount of pain
the canvas would somehow reveal the feeling of your first kiss
the love shared there
though young and innocent
love
the love of a newly wed couple
stronger
yet still young and scared
love
of an elderly couple
been together so long
the love must be strong
beautiful

finally
i'd somehow incorperate the beauty of healing
scars
though they tell of a time of hurt
show that you've healed
hopefully grown from it
the sadness of saying good bye
but at the same time knowing it's not forever
the rainbow after the hurricane
beautiful

there is so much out the to appreciate and recognize for it's awesomeness
that this painting of mine would have to be on a canvas so big it'd cover the whole earth
stretch past the moon while also encompassing it's beauty
and painted with more colors than exists
if a picture's worth a thousands words i'd paint til i ran out of letters

concept writing

so..not much has changed with me but i feel like these writings are showing a pattern.. and showing just plain too much. so i'm going to try and break the cycle, at least in my writings.. concept writing, haha cuz it aint true that's for sure.

Modern Heroics

they do exist!
look!
that little girl just held the door open for that lady,
she's not even a girl scout.
modern heroics.
check it out!
that boy opened the car door for his date
i bet he'll pull her chair out for her at dinner
chivalry reborn
modern heroics
how cool!
that guy just refused to take a beer at that party..
it's a personal choice
he didn't compromise his standards
modern heroics
woah!
that girl just chose to help her little sister with her homework instead of just sitting in front of the t.v.
eating
coach potato
modern heroics
way to go!
that teenage girl decided she was going to stick with what she knows to be true
she's keeping her v card
if he pressures her she knows to let him go
this guy can express his feelings for her without using his dick
or at least try
cuz the right words are hard to come by
sometimes
but he can tell her as best he can
and just hold her hand
modern heroics
another man is choosing not to believe all the hype about drugs
how much cooler you are for doing it
how good it feels
no negative side effects
modern heroics
she is..
well she is someone who doesn't let anything get to her
she knows how completely amazing she is
"the crowd" can do what it wants
no regrets here
modern heroics

STOP

i'm going through writing withdrawals.. everything inside is getting all crazy and i my schedule is not giving me time to write.. the past is not staying the past, what i thought was dead and gone is back as strong as ever. i know this makes no sense to anyone but i found a short time to write and this is all i got.


alright..
i miss writing, almost as much as i miss you
seeing you is the best and worst thing i get to do
my conflicting inner contradictions cause a collision of chaos inside
now obviously i was trying to use alliteration there,
but still
it's true.
the only thing worse than getting to see you again
is not getting to see you
every word spoken, every sidelong glance, is either a lie or just us hiding the truth from eachother
and i wish i could say it would work out
but i don't know
what i do know is i wish it could
maybe someday
even as i write this i'm beating myself up inside
STOP
even i have noticed how often and easily i get my hopes up
STOP
it only leads to falling
and i've fallen further than the height of my highest hopes
which may be impossible,
but that's what it feels like
so STOP
i wish i could stop my mouth from smiling
as it always does
just watching you
be you
it gives away too much
STOP
that's all i got.

oh.. love would definitely be easier if it were disposable

arizona rain

thinking logically
arizona's rain
is most likely the warmest rain
ever
BUT
whether because it is so rare
or because the outside temperature is still hot
each drop still sends a shock through your body like
you forgot what coldness feels like
or forgot what moisture falling from the sky is like
there's nothing more beautiful than
raindrops hitting pools of water
each splash is like a laugh
puddles let the rain in like the most welcome of strangers
like
the all to familiar memory of childhood puddle-hopping
each water droplet was once together
a family in the clouds
and after this crazy journey of precipitation
they see eachother again
old friends
their chance to come down to earth
so rare in the hot air that exists year round
or so it seems

arizona rain
is unique from any other rain
often heralded in by light shows and thundering drums
treated like royalty here
because
of course, it is a desert
rain brings life
brings cleansing
not just physical kind but
if you can let it
cleansing of the soul
the mind
any injuries to your heart
miraculously can be made less
by the rare treasure in this desert state
rain..

melting

sometimes you make me just fall apart,
but it's more than that, i can't feel my heart,
trying to hold myself together ,
but it's like trying to trap the weather,
which happened to be rain,
who knew a day that brought my favorite climate would end with so much pain.
i feel myself slip through my hands
melting away just like our plans
i didn't think i'd ever come back from this
you graced me with a final kiss
i think i died the second it ended
or at least a huge part of me was left suspended
i found, like water, i had no substance
could not remain together on my own
unless i froze myself, numb, without feelings, alone
it worked for a while
til i saw you again, your smile,
shattered my iced over insides, into a snow pile
then melting
again melting
this cycle is nothing but hurt
just in different forms, watch me sink into the dirt
had enough of this feeling
having trouble dealing
conflicted emotions i want to be near you but can't handle seeing
every move you make reminds me of the past
you seem so happy, like you got over it so fast
but that can't be true
i thought i knew
your feelings for me were my feelings for you

idk how i will deal, with all that i've felt
but know that your voice, your laugh, your smile
will always make me melt

i do not feel in the form of words

words.
what an inadequate way to try and describe something as boundless and as undefinable as a feeling..
though perhaps it is just i that am not capaple of using said words in such a way that i can re-read it and go
yeah, that IS how i'm feeling
i know there are other people that use words much better than i do
and when they try and put feelings into words, they do it much better
and sometimes i almost perfectly relate to it
but it's still not quite right
anybody else know where i'm coming from here?
maybe it is this seemingly impossible task that keeps people writing.. striving..
to find the perfect words behind a feeling.. so far i haven't seen it yet..
they get close, dang they get close.. but idk..
well, this is what has been on my mind so this is what i will write about..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i do not feel in the form of words
i do not feel in the form of verbs, adjectives or nouns
i feel in the form of.. the sight of my night-lit town,
from atop a nearby hill
where everything you see just doesn't seem real

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. long nights, often sleepless
restless slumbers, often dreamless
the cause is a mind that is stuck on one thing,
yet is spinning with too many thoughts to distinguish

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. mornings. just before the sun peers over the distant mountains
the sparkling water drops that fall from fountains
instead of words my feelings are the sounds of birds
who never seem to have a bad enough day that they can't summon their sweet songs

i do not feel in the form of words
i feel in the form of.. cotton candy and bubble gum
and knowing someone who'll give you some
the form of.. the circus and carnivals
of dc heroes and modern day marvels

i feel in the form of.. young love
a first crush, the thought of that person, and how it made you blush
the first time that your heart broke in two
and tryin to understand why she had done this to you

Of quiet twilights, and the still night air
like there's this whole wide world but you're the only person there
and you don't even care
cuz at that moment, you don't long for much
just the stars, the moon, and the grass' soft touch
it's your moment, you own it
and it's just for you
someday you may try and share it with someone but it won't quite be true

Of overcast days, which to me are the best days
cuz some times clouds mean there soon will be rain
and if you let it.. a storm can wash away any pain

and as i write, i realize
these words impersonating feelings
might just be lies
but maybe that's going to far
they are what they are
people manipulate them trying to use them to represent feelings
but that's like trying to see the sky through one too many ceilings

my purpose is not to stop people from trying
just like gravity don't keep people from flying
but at least for now, my belief is this
no words will describe the emotion behind a soft kiss

i do not feel in the form of words

the bottle- a man's best friend?

ok so through some rough patches in life i have found certain types of music and certain types of songs appealing.. countless songs about heartbreak and heartache..
i have noticed a pattern in these songs as well.
and it spans genres.. every musician seems to find drinking as a way to deal with all this.. and yet it's all just misery, and they wallow in it.. and drink.. i honestly believe that this just makes it worse.
and really, you are going to become an alcoholic because of one person? c'mon.. so it didn't work out, there are other ways to deal with it.. and there are millions of other people out there who have the potential of being just as special.. i am in no way belittling the fact that hearts do break, and yes, it does suck, it's the worst thing in the world i have ever experienced.. anyway i'm gonna end my thought with a quote..

"If you think being dysfuncted and damaged, strapped to your baggage, dirty, ruined and hurt like critical, cynical, scathing, if you're lost or have come up missing, scarred and scared (or pretending you aren't), when you think that's all you've got, it's not. The sadness you wear around like a trophy is intriguing at most, but it's miserable, and about as original as a frat boy with a visor cap. So step up."
-buddy wakefield

she is.

she is.
she is an angel.
an angel who is a gift to this world simply by being here.
an angel amongst men.
men. who objectify her at every turn.
men who, though they call her beautiful, they don't understand the extent to which that is true.
some say these men are typical, rarely caring what's beneath only focusing on the physical.
they see her but they don't see her..
for what SHE IS..
they care not to bypass the obvious, take the time to know her, and discover the sweet spirit that resides inside.
The beauty within, SHE IS special.
she has been underappreciated for too long..
she no longer buys into the old hype, they told her SHE IS one in a million, unique..
but they said the same thing to every child growing up.
because of this she is even fooled into thinking a guy like me.. who, often awkward, speaks up when he should shut up, yet bottles in what needs to be said, me, who is as cliche as the heart he wears on his shirtsleeve and gets his hopes up too easily, and so too often he falls.. could actually be worthy of her.
inadequacy only begins to describe the feeling that comes with the thought that maybe.. possibly.. SHE.. could love me.
if i only could be so lucky i'd treat her like what SHE IS.. more than a princess.. more than a queen..
i'd paint words on the ceiling above her bed, a daily reminder so that every morning when she lifts her head, she remembers.. that SHE IS priceless, extraordinary, and every synonym that goes along with it.
so that she never forgets, whether somehow they really don't see her worth or they treat her like she is anything other than amazing, she never forgets that SHE IS.

pointless

tell me do you know the feeling,
you were supporting the roof now you're left holding a square of ceiling?
staring at the wreckage all around trying to decipher its meaning..
or at least its cause
you found out too late there's a button that says 'pause'
trying to hold yourself together, try and keep composure
or at least find enough good in this life to create closure.
you could do it alone before why can't you now?
that was dang good performance girl you should take a bow.
you deserve a standing ovation
this foundation was false from its very formation.
easy for you to stay on the positive side,
i'm dealing with a loss and the fact that you lied.
you cant deny that i tried,
it tore me apart every time that you cried,
cuz i gave you as much as i could possibly provide,
but in the end, insufficient, by you, i was denied.
hardly a memory to show, cuz mine ain't photographic,
first time i've seen an overpass as a place to dive into traffic.
but suicidal? that's something that i'm not,
that's thanks to the amazing friends that i've got
products of my existence,
don't know what could have occured without your assistence,
thinkin about running, not caring about the distance.
but now, i'm seeing light up above,
i must almost be out of this hole that i(you?) dug.
i must almost be out of this hole that WE dug.
yet still i just shrug,
it doesn't even matter,
dead or alive, only slightly do i want the latter.
i think it's cuz when your insides shatter,
you'll be far from ok less than a month after.
i guess i thought i had something to say,
or maybe writing this is just to help me through today..

first thing's first

anything i put here
is put here for selfish reasons
this is for me
i'm trying to make sense of it all
hoping to find a way to use 'just words'
to work it all out
control the chaos
comprehend the confusing
organize everything going on in my head
and heart
if by chance you somehow relate to any of this
it is purely coincidence
if it helps you in any way
good
if not, don't hate
i am ready for you're rejection
your judgement means nothing to me
i am blind and deaf to you

i'm a mess to be made
these are just words